Living the Dream

Newest Fad

2012-01-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

Introducing:
THE PREGNANCY DIET!

Eat only bland foods (rice, bread, potatoes, no seasoning).
Drink only gatorade or powerade.
Throw up everything you eat and drink (you can take this one even further by throwing up at the mention or thought of food and drink).
Throw up every time you smell anything (good or bad - don't wimp out here!).
Throw up when you wake up (don't limit yourself to just the morning - naps, middle of the night, they all count!).
Throw up if/when you've been on your feet for more than 20 minutes (when in doubt, round up).
Throw up if you've been in a car, train, bus, plane for more than 20 minutes (again, when in doubt, round up).
Once in a while, just throw up for the heck of it!

"My name is L and I've been on the pregnancy diet for 22 weeks now. I've lost a grand total of 15 pounds! And I've kept it off! My abs get a great workout from all the throwing up. And I don't miss food nearly as much as I thought I would!*"

*Confession: I do miss food.

And, for the record, I hate throwing up.

Puppy Tales

2012-01-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

My dog is a child.

We don't have gum in the house, except for in my purse which is kept up high, out of doggy reach.

Imagine my surprise then when I was snuggling my dog only to find a patch of her hair all matted and sticky.

Somehow, while we were sleeping, our dog found some peppermint gum, chewed it, and got it imbedded in her short hair.

Thank goodness for peanut butter! :)

Shocker

2012-01-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

Wanna hear something surprising?

The only food that I have never thrown up is:

Sushi

(The cooked kind, of course)

Dear God, thank you for Blue Nami Sushi, their delicious menu, and their ridiculously late hours.

Huston, I Have a Problem

2012-01-16T22:10:00.000-08:00

I have never been a patient person. Ask my mom. Or my husband.

We have roughly 4 more months until J makes his appearance.

And even though I know in my brain that 4 months is quite a bit of time to get things done, I want to do it all right this second.

Which brings me to my problem:
I am addicted to buying baby clothes.

Sure, there will be hand-me-downs (which I am a huge fan of) and shower gifts (I'm assuming). But I can't stop buying stuff myself!

Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a control freak and there has been nothing about this pregnancy that I have been able to control, so I'm controlling what my kid will wear post-pregnancy.

He's going to be one dang cute, and well dressed, kid. :)

Seriously So Blessed

2012-01-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those weeks you look back on and sigh in relief that it's over??

That was this week.

And, while I'm so glad this week is over, as I look back I see so many blessings!

We got to see Jack twice this week via ultrasound.
We have health insurance that covers all my prenatal care - including all the "extras" that come with hyperemesis.
I have a nurse that calls me every day to check in on me. And I can call her to ask her questions/get help any time.
I can go get hydrated any time I need to.
I have a bed/couch to rest on while I'm on bed rest.
My leave of absence from work was approved as medically necessary by the "powers that be."
Kaiser is close.
My doctor answers emails quickly.
We have a cousin who works in the ER and brought us coloring books and crayons when we were there.
D's work hours are flexible - he just has to get in 8 hours a day/40 hours a week.
I can feel Jack kick/move.
The internet (esp. facebook) allows me to not feel quite so isolated and alone while laying here on my couch.
I have so many sweet friends who have shared their own pregnancy experiences and have helped lift me up.
I have sweet friends who have also been concerned and encouraging.
I also have a sweet friend who is making me pregnancy skirts!

And now, we're officially half way done! Today marks 20 weeks!

What a journey it has been. I'm grateful we're officially on the downward slope. Grateful that Jack is healthy and strong. Grateful that I have a selfless husband who takes such good care of me. Grateful for this trial, even though I frequently doubt my ability to make it through one more day or even one more hour.

Just gotta focus on the blessings. :)

A New Year

2012-01-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

It's 2012!

Yes, I realize it's been 2012 for a week. I'm a little behind.

I'm not really one for "New Year's Resolutions." Mostly because I either break them or forget about them.

But I have two resolutions this year:
Have a Baby
and
Be a Mom

I swear, I'm not cheating.
Ok, maybe a little.

But, in my defense, this pregnancy has been the hardest physical thing I have ever gone through. And every day, I wonder how on earth I will get through another 24 hours. There have been many tears, hospital/ER trips, I have been off work and on bed rest for a month and a half, I've lost 10-15 lbs, I've been on many different medications, I have a long list of foods that are horrible to throw up (surprisingly, not every food is equally horrible to throw up), and the headaches, vomiting and nausea are debilitating.

Many well-meaning people keep reassuring me that it'll get better and it'll be worth it. Neither of these phrases bring me much comfort.
What has really brought me comfort is a conversation I had with my friend M over Halloween. She has also had very difficult pregnancies and is very empathetic to all of my challenges. We were talking about the worst parts and M said, "but then I think about the Savior and all He suffered for me. Can't I sacrifice my own comfort and well being for 9 months for this little one? It's nothing in comparison!"

Yes. I can sacrifice one more day, one more hour, one more minute, of my own comfort for this perfect little guy. I still have to keep myself healthy (you know, hydrated and stuff) so that this little guy can also be healthy. But the discomfort, the exhaustion etc. I can sacrifice and suffer knowing that my Savior sacrificed and suffered so much more for me.

And in 4 and a half more months, when I meet this little man, I'm sure it'll be worth it.

My Grinch Moments

2011-12-29T20:24:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas time.
I love putting up the nativity scenes (all four of them). I love hanging the stockings. I love sending out and putting up Christmas cards. I love decorating the Christmas tree and remembering when and where we got the ornaments.

The one thing I don't really care for is buying Christmas presents. I know a lot of people enjoy thinking about and hunting for what to get each individual, pondering how to make the gifts special, etc.

I don't enjoy those things.
They stress me out.

The only gift I enjoyed pondering about and hunting for this year was D's (which is unusual).

So, before Christmas I was feeling totally like a Grinch. I was begrudging the time and energy I was spending trying to get gifts for everyone (I wasn't feeling good anyway and obviously this holiday is all about me). I didn't care about the looks on their faces as they opened the gifts. I didn't care about giving gifts in the spirit of the Wise Men.

But, just like the Grinch, my heart grew! (It just took a little while...)

I realized tonight (yeah, four days after Christmas) that we are so blessed.

Despite my crankiness and Grinch-iness, family members loved me anyway. They reached into their hearts (and opened their homes) and truly embodied the spirit of Christmas. I feel the Christmas spirit more now than I did four days ago on Christmas day. Their gifts were beyond meaningful - truly what I needed (gifts of kindness, love, patience). My heart grew full of their love and made me realize how much I love them too. I wish I could re-do Christmas over again and embody the spirit of Christmas myself.

Instead, I'll try to carry it with me all year long instead and look for ways to reach into my heart and give what people need - kindness, love and patience (among other things). Because Christmas isn't about the stuff (which is what I spent all my time on this Christmas). It's about the feelings! Giving of yourself.
I will try to be more selfless and less of a Grinch.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

From my couch/bed to yours :)

(If anyone is curious, I rang in Christmas gripping the toilet. I also opened presents throwing up and while watching A Christmas Story. What a memorable Christmas!)

Jackson LaMar

2011-12-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

Say hello to Jackson LaMar!
He's due June 2nd!
He's practically perfect in every way and we love him so much!

To Do

2011-12-16T14:56:00.000-08:00

Things I Need to Get Done Before Monday at Noon:

Oil change in the Corolla
Clean out the Corolla
Go visit the Medical Secretaries at Kaiser to file for State Disability
Fax my disability stuff to Chase

Ok, so it's really not that much. And yet, I can't get myself to do any of it.

I think I'll go back to sleep.

Bed Rest Take 2

2011-12-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

Welp, I'm back on bed rest after 1 rather unsuccessful day at work. This time through the end of December.

Being on bed rest has made Christmas shopping rather, uh, challenging. As in, it hasn't happened.

And, to make matters worse, we're celebrating the W family Christmas on Sunday. That's in 4 days.

Danger.

Anyone have any quick Christmas gift ideas that can be accomplished from a couch?

Bed Rest

2011-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

What I've learned from two weeks on bed rest:

Netflix is a fantastic invention.
My couch is quite comfortable, even after days of laying on it.
Days of being all alone drive me batty.
The later it is at night, the battier I get.
Nothing much happens outside my apartment ever.
Reading in the bathtub is quite enjoyable. However, my water heater doesn't make enough hot water to keep a bath hot for very long. So it takes multiple fillings.
Facebook and Pinterest get really boring after awhile.
At the same time, Pinterest has given me lots of inspiration for decorating my next house.
All Facebook games are the same.
My puppy LOVES to snuggle.
D is a really great caretaker.
Showing takes a lot of work.
So does putting on normal person clothes, doing hair, and putting on makeup.
Pajamas are very comfortable.
Sleeping is never overrated.

I go back to work tomorrow. We'll see how it goes! Wish me luck...

Serious Question Time

2011-12-08T23:30:00.000-08:00

Pick One:

Elephant

Giraffe

Owl

(Perhaps this a poll for a specific reason. Like perhaps for a nursery. Hypothetically.)

The D/A Monster

2011-11-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but when things go bad physically, things also go bad emotionally and spiritually. Everything falls out of balance at the same time.

On Monday, I was in the hospital for a couple of hours because of dehydration. Nothing major. They just hooked me up to an IV (which was the most challenging part of the whole visit - and I have the bruises to prove it) and pumped me full of fluids. But physically, I was (still am, off and on) feeling awful.

But the last few days, I've felt out of it emotionally and spiritually. Feeling physically awful leaves me feeling sad and emotionally inadequate, especially because it leaves D to carry so much of the weight. And then I start doubting my worth and merit as a wife and partner and as an individual and feel spiritally inadequate as well.

It's ineresting to me how difficult it is to obtain a balance between the three areas and how vitally important and interconnected they all are to each other. Feeling out of balance in one area suddenly brings into sharp focus where I'm lacking in the other two. And the only way to achieve balance again is to focus on all three areas, not just the inital "problem child." Which is difficult because I'm already feeling emotionally/physically/spiritually inadequate.

Does anyone else experience this same thing? What is the best way you've found to achieve balance again? (Other than self medicating with a Coca-Cola and peanut-butter M&M's.)

ZZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzzzz...

2011-11-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

I am going to bed earlier and earlier every night.

Maybe it has something to do with daylight savings time? You know, since it gets dark earlier and what not.

Regardless, it's 10pm and I am going to bed.
And I don't have to wake up until 8am.

Yes, that's 10 hours of sleep.
And yes, I'll probably still go to bed at 10 (or earlier!) tomorrow.

No one told me that this is what being an adult was like!
I thought adults stayed up late partying and playing and watching the good TV shows!
Turns out, I'm a boring adult.

G'night!

Needy

2011-11-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

I've been needy lately. Today was my day off (thank goodness) and it was very much needed.
D, because he is beyond amazing, took the day off too.
He has no idea how much I needed him today.

Without him, I would've sat on the couch all day, cried when I was hungry, slept on the couch when I was hungry instead of getting food, watched stupid stuff on Netflix, and been a grumpy hot mess.

Because of him, we got grocery shopping done (we haven't been grocery shopping since beginning of September - for reals), got him some new jeans, slept in, I ate 3 meals, dishes got done, food got prepped and stored and I am a happy kid.

Seriously, husband-man is the best man I know.
I owe him big time.

Thanks, D.

One of Those Days

2011-11-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the kind of day where you're feeling yucky and you get a case of the grumpies?

That's where I am today.

So, to combat the grumpies (and on a Monday no less!) I am going to try and focus on the positive and make a list of things to be happy about. Feel free, dear blog readers, to add to this list. :)

Husband-man

Puppy

Apartment-home

Car (custom body work and all)

My job (even though it's one of the things bringing me down today, I'm still grateful to have a job)

Husband-man's job

My phone

Texting with my dad

The sun is shining

Doing theatre!

Great friends

Hot showers

Comfy bed (oh, how I wish I was there right now...)

Netflix

My TV and Couch

Target

Family

Good books

Reading scriptures with husband-man every night

Laughing

It has taken me hours to come up with this list, but this is what I've got today! Now I'll just be over here reciting those 20 things over and over and over and over and...

Quick Trip

2011-11-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

My mom's birthday was Oct. 27th.

My boss gave me a three day weekend (whoops!).

I hadn't been to Oregon in a year and a half, so I figured it was time.

I bought a plane ticket and flew home for a weekend!
Everyone picked me up at the airport, which was awesome! Lots of hugs and smiles and hugs. I have such a cool family.

I got to see my baby sister (who is not so baby - she's 16 and awesome) perform in her final marching band competition of the season. She's a drum major and is seriously great at it. While I haven't done anything related to marching band in 8 years, it was fun to see her perform (and brought back some fun memories). We had lots of fun screaming and cheering for S and the marching band!

I got to see both of my brothers as well, which was great. My youngest brother spoke in church and did a great job. My younger brother spent the a lot of the weekend grading for the classes he TA's - we commiserated together on our TAing experiences.

Mommy and I got to play together all day Monday. We even carved pumpkins and roasted the seeds. And then we went out for her birthday dinner that night to PF Changs. (Happy birthday, Mom!)

We all played Apples to Apples together and spent a lot of time laughing at our own silliness. (That's one of my favorite things to do with my family - play games and then laugh because we're all silly.)

It was a fantastic, albeit short, weekend. I'm so glad that my family's just a short flight away!
And I'm grateful that I get to see them again at Thanksgiving!

Isn't family the best?

53% or 47%

2011-10-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

I have lived below the poverty line.

I have also lived above the poverty line.

I have had years where I haven't paid income tax.

I have had years where I have paid income tax.

My husband and I met and married while we were in college. We lived so far below the poverty line, looking back I don't know how we paid for rent and groceries.

We both earned bachelor's degrees and graduated together.

We both got jobs completely unrelated to our degrees so that we could support ourselves - my husband as a roofer and myself as a part-time teller.

No one handed us jobs. No one gave us jobs that fit our degrees.

We have worked hard to find better jobs, but neither of us are working at jobs that fit our degrees. We are still applying for jobs we studied for. But in the mean time, we're not sitting on our bums collecting unemployement and waiting for our ideal jobs.

When we first graduated, we lived in a 5th Wheel Home-Sweet-Trailerhome so that we could save money and pay back debts. We are now living in an apartment with cheap rent. We don't travel extensively. We don't live extravegantly. We try to keep our shopping to a minimum and buy what we need.

When we graduated, we had credit card debt and student loan debt. We got jobs so that we could pay back our debt, but it has not been easy. We have had to buckle down and live frugally to pay back our debts. We still have debt, but we are making conscious efforts to pay off our debts and be debt free.

I would love to have a job in the theatre field. D would love to have a job as a firefighter. We would love to be making more money. We would love not to have debt. We would love to not have to worry about finances.

But, no one is entitled to a job.

You make choices and there are inevitably consequences. If you choose not to work while you wait for your ideal job, there are consequences. If you choose to work at a job that is less than ideal, there are consequences.

Nothing is going to be accomplished by crying about how things aren't going the way you expect.

No one is entitled to anything so get up and go work for the life you "deserve."

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-23T20:00:00.001-07:00

Perfect Day

2011-10-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

D and I both had the day off.

We slept in.
Ate breakfast together.
Went to Apple Hill and spent the afternoon wandering around.
We ate caramel apples and pulled pork, bought delicious apple, apple pie, and apple cider.
We laughed and talked and thoroughly enjoyed our lazy time together.

When we came home, and puppy needed some loving so we took a walk to the park and played for hours. Much more laughing.

And now, we're laughing and talking more at home.

I love that we have had this day off together!!
These days don't happen nearly often enough.
We decided we need to make them happen much more often.

No Surprise

2011-10-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

My dog is currently laying on my couch chewing on a plastic Coke bottle.

It's her favorite toy.

Some Cheer This Week

2011-10-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

BYU won yesterday.
Sure, the third quarter was a joke. At least until they pulled Heaps and put in Nelson.
I love me some college football season!

This week we purchased the second seasons of both Community and Modern Family.
If you have not experienced the happiness from these shows, I suggest you stop what you're doing and (since you're on you're computer anyway) google one/both of the shows and watch. Enjoy. Repeat.

---

In some less than joyous news, our upstairs neighbors are obnoxiously body slamming each other into the floor or something. Weirdos.

Fast Sunday Request

2011-09-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Family and Friends,

Dustin and I have been wanting to have a baby for over a year. Despite our efforts and desires, we haven't been successful. We've had two miscarriages: one last September and one in January. We had an appointment today (Friday) with a fertility specialist at Kaiser. When it comes in fertility problems, 30% of the time the problem lies with the female, 30% of the time with the male, 30% of the time both partners have a problem, and 10% of the time there are no explanations for the problems. We fall into the 10% category. Medically, everything is just fine with both of us. While that is a blessing, the flip side is that the doctors have no explanation for why we haven't been able to stay pregnant or get pregnant again. The next step medically for us is called an IUI - and it's basically a step below in-vitro fertilization. Needless to say, hearing that today was a little overwhelming and we are now faced with the decision of moving forward with an IUI or waiting a few months longer doing things the good old-fashioned way.

We are going to be fasting this Sunday (since our Stake is having Fast Sunday the Sunday before General Conference) for help and guidance with our fertility challenges. We would be so grateful if you would join in our fast. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan at work and we know that with fasting and prayer miracles can be performed.

We are so grateful for each of you in our lives and that we have the blessing to be your friends and/or family members! Thank you for all your love and support!

Landon and Dustin

Motivation and Inspiration

2011-09-22T16:38:00.001-07:00

I wish I was blogging about our vacation right now (you know, the cruise, the day at Disneyland, the time spent with some awesome friends), but the charger thing for my camera has mysteriously disappeared meaning I can't upload pictures. And, be honest, you don't want to hear about my vacation (it was awesome) as much as you want to see pictures from it.

We both came home feeling much more relaxed and rejuvenated. I found new energy to tackle life's hurdles head on (as opposed to side on? backwards? crawling under them? I don't know...) which is awesome. And, I think I even found some motivation to finish some of my incomplete projects (all which were started with the best intentions, but then somehow were never finished). So I'd call that a win.

And now for the reason for my post!
We have a two bedroom apartment. The second bedroom has kinda been my space. My sewing machine, computer and (our) piano all live in that room. I decorated it to be a place of peace and escape for me (at D's permission and encouragement, of course). Well, the room wasn't really serving its (where does the apostrophe go in that word?) purpose. While we were in Disneyland, we went to the Disney Store in Downtown Disney. We found some great treasures. I first said the L word to D while we were watching the movie Cars and D found a really cool print of Lightening McQueen. He also found a statue thing of Mickey Mouse shaking a fire fighter's hand. We left with both in tow but with no where for them to live at our house. Which got me thinking. And those thoughts turned into actions today!

The second bedroom is getting a face lift! Goodbye tan curtain, hello red curtain. Goodbye greens and browns, hello reds and blues! The of the Coca-Cola clock mixed with the firefighter statue is awesome. A print of the Chicago skyline is on its (again, apostrophe where?) way to join the room - D served his mission there. I love that the room is about us.

I think that our bedroom is going to get a facelift next... :)

Progress

2011-09-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

Warning - this may be TMI for some of you readers so feel free to skip this post. I won't be offended.

After a over a year of hard work and heartbreak, we're starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

We've had two miscarriages, one last September and one in January, and we haven't been able to get pregnant since. A couple of months ago, we started all the background testing (blood work and such) and today we made an appointment to put together our game plan with a doctor. The nurse who scheduled our appointment was super nice (she actually called back to schedule us with a different doctor because she wanted us to meet with the best one they have) .

I'm so grateful to have Kaiser because their fertility treatment options are awesome. They don't consider anyone to be infertile, they just see their patients as having fertility challenges. I love that attitudeand I feel more hopeful than I have in a year!

Routine

2011-08-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

When I get home from work, I almost always have to pee.

But, when I get home from work, my dog always wants some loves.

I usually just ignore her until after I'm finished, but apparently that was unacceptable to the puppy because we have a new routine.

I come home from work, go to the bathroom, puppy follows, and sits on my lap.

Talk about an awkward routine!!

I guess it's just getting my ready for motherhood (someday) when there's no such thing as privacy (so I hear).

Take a look, it's in a book!

2011-08-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

Borders is closing.

And while that's a bummer, books at 50-70% off is awesome!

I was off today and D took the day off because he was at a vehicle fire most of the night last night and was exhausted. When he woke up and I recovered from a freak allergy attack (you know, the kind where hives cover your face and neck), we decided to go to Borders and see what kind of deals we could find.

Oh. My. Goodness.

We bought the Band of Brothers DVD set for half off, the Life DVD set for half off, The Hobbit for 6 bucks, The Polar Express for 9 bucks, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever for a buck, Charlie Brown Christmas piano music for 5 bucks, and some children's firefighter books for a buck each.

WIN!

D and I want to have books in our home and we want to read to our kids so to have the opportunity to buy books for super cheap (to prepare) was awesome!

Get yourself to a Borders Book Store!
(don't shop on their website, though - nothing is on sale there.)

3 Things

2011-08-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

1. There were people outside of Walmart today trying to get everyone coming into Walmart to listen to them and sign something about taxes and government. I pretended to be deaf so they would leave me alone. (That'll probably come back to haunt me some day...karma and such...)

2. I am a convert to the belief that a good, correct-fitting bra is totally worth the extra $$. Go! Get fitted! Wear the right bra! Macy's and Nordstroms do bra fittings - get yourself there and get the girls fitted! :)

3. Today is D's birthday! The big 2-7! I love him more than ever and am so grateful for him! Seriously, words can't express how much he means to me.

That Girl

2011-07-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was that girl.

We went bowling with D's work.
One of D's co-workers brought his cute daughter, Sailor (3 years old and tiny!), and I theifed her.

She and I bowled together, played together, giggled etc. Every time we pushed the ball down the lane, I threw her up in the air! (And she wasn't half bad at pushing that ball down the lane.)

Her dad said, "Man, I didn't expect to have a baby-sitter tonight!"

But, I theifed his daughter anyway and loved on her and it was awesome.

I was that girl that steals other people's kids because she doesn't have any of her own.

Lately

2011-07-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

Almost every time I talk to my mom, she says, "Life with L (me) is never boring!"

It's true.

I've started a business (please like it on facebook! please!).
I'm doing physical therapy once a week (still from the car accident last August).
We've started classes to help the next member of our family get here (whenever that is).
I'm working full time.
I sign for 3 hours once a week at church (interpreting for an awesome deaf sister in our ward).
I just was given a second calling (RS instructor).
I'm still looking for auditions and ways to get into theatre in the Sac area.

And...
While all of these things can seem really difficult alone, much less all at once, I feel so blessed!
And not bored at all. :)

The end.

Birthday

2011-07-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

I turned 25 today.

And, I'm not quite sure why, but I've been really upset about it.

Last night, I found myself sobbing in a warm bath. And as D patiently listened, I realized that I'm mostly just scared.
24 was not an easy year.
I'm scared of 25 being harder.

I wish I had some sort of epiphany that made me feel better about everything. I didn't.
But today wasn't awful.
And hopefully tomorrow won't be either. :)

True Confession

2011-07-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hi.
My name is Landon.
And...
(deep breath)
I have a Target addiction.

Missed the Boat

2011-07-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

I missed the boat on Father's Day so I'm going to make up for it now.

Better late than never, right?

Some of my fondest memories are listening to my daddy sing, "You're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold, you're daddy's little girl to have and to hold. A precious gem, that's what you are. You're daddy's bright and shining star. You're the spirit of Christmas, my star on the tree. You're the Easter bunny to mommy and me. You're sugar, you're spice, you're everything nice, and you're daddy's little girl." or dancing on his his feet to the song from Sleeping Beauty. (We danced to both at our wedding. And, I saw one of our friends and his daughters doing the same and it brought tears to my eyes.) Daddy could always make me laugh with his funny thumb. He could suck out any hurt. I remember falling asleep many nights to the sound of his laugh as he watched whatever on TV with Mom and loving it. Daddy was the one who always tried to fix my problems - that's what he is, a fixer. I am so blessed to be his daughter. He is loved and admired by so many and I am lucky to have had him my whole life! I love watching him at church - he knows everyone's names and their stories and genuinely cares about each of them. He loves the Lord and lives his testimony and is such a good example to me and D.
Happy (late) Father's Day, Daddy.

And to my father in law, he is a strong and incredible man. He is a strong leader - people want to follow his example because he lives what leads. He has quite the sense of humor, too! (You better be able to take teasing from him!) His family is so important to him and I love that. An avid BYU football fan, we always gather at his house for games and he is leading the cheering - I love being married into a BYU sports family! He is reliable and has been there for us when we've been in need many times. He is a wonderful example to me and D, as well. We are so blessed!
Happy (late) Father's Day, FIL!

I have also been blessed with many father figures in my life. When I was at college, I had bishops and a couple of professors who were fatherly to me, taking me in, listening, supporting me while I was far away from my Daddy. We also have the examples of wonderful fathers (BIL, uncles, cousins, friends) who show us by their examples how to be great fathers. While we were at a family 4th of July BBQ yesterday, it was so great to watch the dad and granddads with all the kids. They all had so much fun in the pool, playing wiffle ball, etc. I love it!

And, ultimately, I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. He is the ultimate creator and father. Sometimes I'll find myself feeling like Heavenly Father is so high and mighty and so far removed from my imperfect self. And then I remember that He is my father and suddenly I feel so much more connected to Him and His love. I am so grateful to my Father for knowing who I am and what I am capable of and being willing to correct and carry me on my way back to Him.

Happy Late Father's Day :)

One of Them Days

2011-06-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days where you feel totally self conscious?
Where it seems like nothing you do is right?
Where you analyze everything people said or didn't say or the looks they did or didn't give you?

Today was one of those days.
Completely.

The Start of Something Exciting

2011-06-21T13:05:00.001-07:00

D and I have pretty much come to the realization that we're never going to have a "normal" life. You know, where husband works 9-5 and wife stays at home with the kiddos.

We thought that by now D would be working in his profession and we'd maybe be looking to buy a house and kiddos would be blessing our lives. But none of that is happening.

And yet, we're happy!

Here's why:
When we were sealed in the temple, our sealer told us to make prayer the foundation of our marriage. And as we have tried to do so, we have been, well, surprised that God has plans for us in a completely different direction than we ever imagined.

Which brings me to this.
I started a business.

Yes, I'm aware the economy sucks right now. I'm aware it's a huge risk.
BUT
It's what God wants me to be doing right now, so I'm trusting in Him!
I'm still working 9-5 and so is D. But in the evenings, I'm baking and decorating up a storm and loving it!

I would appreciate everyone's support while this takes off (slowly but surely) and takes shape. Please check us out on facebook (Let Them Eat Cake Bites) and take a peak at our website (it's not quite complete, but we're working on it!).

And in the mean time, here's to a completely different direction than I ever would have chosen or imagined! :)
And here's to happiness!

If you're happy and you know it sing a song

2011-06-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today at work I was quietly singing along to music I was playing very softly on my phone. It was a slow day and I was trying to stay positive and energetic, so I was singing because singing makes me happy.

My coworkers gave me so much crap for singing and shushed me rudely multiple times.

Rude!
Right?

I mean, I was singing softly, not at the top of my lungs. It's not like I was doing cartwheels across the branch and disrupting everything or anything. I even asked the coworker closest to me if I was bothering him. He said no.
I don't understand why my coworkers thought it would be fun or constructive or helpful to make fun of me to customers and each other, shush me, etc. especially when I was just trying to be happy. It just seemed rude to me. If you want me to stop, ask me (nicely) to stop.

Am I crazy?

Reflection

2011-06-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

I think that the cleanliness or organization of my house is a reflection of my stress level and mental well-being.

My house is a disaster zone right now.

How does your garden grow?

2011-05-30T13:49:00.001-07:00

Earlier this year, I tried to plant an herb garden.

Because we live in an apartment complex, strangers come and mow the grass and trim the bushes etc. once a week. They ignored/didn't see my little pots of herbs and start of tomatoes and strawberries and so many of them got knocked over or blown away. :(

And it's been cold here.
(It's almost June! Where's my summer?!?!? Where's my spring for that matter?!?!?!)
Anyway... things weren't really growing.

I decided to try again today. Rather than start from seeds again, I bought little plant starters at Lowes and just transplanted them into my pots and planters.
Tomatoes are hanging on the left. Strawberries on the right.
In the planter below is Oregano, Rosemary, Basil and Cilantro. Lowes didn't have Dill, so I'm going to have to go back and find that one another time.

Anyway, hopefully the weather will be nice and sunshiney and my little plants will grow!

True Story

2011-05-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

We have church at 8:30 am.
I am not a morning person.
Without D here, I worried about my ability to get myself out of bed, dressed, and to church.

Well, my alarm(s) went off, I stumbled out of bed, got dressed (and matched), did something with my hair, and stumbled out to my car to get to church. On time!

It wasn't until I was halfway to church that I realized that although I was wearing a knee-length skirt...
I hadn't shaved.

I started laughing out loud in the car. Didn't turn around, didn't do anything.
I just all of church trying to hide my legs :)

Weekend Alone

2011-05-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

D left last night at 5pm

Since then I have:

Cleaned the kitchen
Done laundry
Taken the dog to the park
Altered a shirt
Paid bills
Slept
Vacuumed all the floors
Cleaned the bathroom
Talked to my sister

D gets home in 32 hours.
What else am I gonna do????

Happiness is...

2011-05-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

On my way home from work today I stopped at McD's for a large Coke with no ice (for $1.08).

I went through the drive thru and the line was ridiculous! (Our McD's has 2 lanes to place your order in and one lane to pick up your order - just to give you a better mental picture.) It was moving reeeeeeeeally slow (I was in line for 15 min, I wish I was exaggerating) and I could see the people in the other cars getting really irritated.

When I got to the window to pay, I don't know what possessed me, but I decided to pay for the person behind me as well (and the kid at the window was like uh, really?).

Suddenly, I didn't care that I had waited so long for my coke (that I didn't really need) or that I was still in my work clothes and had to go to the bathroom. I was just so excited to look in the rear-view mirror and see the lady's face behind me! (For the record, she was really confused and that's all I saw as I drove away.)

I don't know who she is, if she had kids in the car, what her order was, whatever. It didn't matter. It felt so good to do something for someone else, totally unprompted, with no expectation of reward or even gratitude!

I've decided to be more aware of what is going on around me so I can find more opportunities to do things for others.
I don't mean for this to be a go me post, but I just felt so good after doing something so small that I just thought it'd be fun to pass it on 'cause who doesn't like to feel good? :)

Who else can I serve today?

What a Girl Wants

2011-05-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just feel like I need new mascara or a new scarf or something.

I don't need them, but I want to feel pretty.

And sometimes, new mascara or a new scarf does the trick.

Mom's Day

2011-05-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today is mother's day (if you live under a rock and didn't know) and I don't want to write a post about mother's day out of obligation, but because I have some incredible mothers in my life! :)

My mom is amazing.
It's because of her that I wanted to go to college, don't measure when I cook, serve in the church, pay my tithing, love music, know how to take care of sick people (including myself), try to find what I can learn from difficult situations, know the importance of a good night of sleep, know how to work hard, budget and know how to live on less, know the difference between needs and wants, know how to drive, know how to edit papers and do my homework, know how to braid, know how to hunt for bargains, keep a calendar, know how to shop for groceries, have a testimony, go to the temple, pray, read scriptures, love my husband, and tackle difficult challenges with a brave face.
I can confidently say that my mom has shaped me into the woman I am today.
I could tell millions of stories of what an amazing teacher my mom has been to me, but I'll spare you all. She has been my friend, cheerleader, nurse, life-coach, laughed and cried with me, and been the best mom.
I love you, Mom!

And then there's my mom-in-law.
She has raised the best man that I know. Her support and guidance have made him the man he is today, and for that I am eternally grateful. My MIL has shared her testimony with me so many times, I've watched her study her scriptures and pray even when she is exhausted and in pain. She is the anchor of her family, constant and strong. I am grateful to be a part of her family and to have many years to learn from her.
I love you, G!

I have been very blessed to have other wonderful mom-figures in my life as well. Women and friends who I admire and want to be like. I am so grateful for these examples.
I am grateful for the women who let me hold and snuggle their babies, grateful for the women who are at church every Sunday with all of their children, grateful for the women who don't hesitate to share their testimonies because they live their testimonies, grateful for the women who love being a mom, grateful for the women who mom me while my mom is far away.

I want to be a mother so badly and I can't wait for that day to arrive.
In the mean time, I will continue to love and learn from the mothers in my life.

Happy Mother's Day!

What the Future Holds

2011-04-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Cruise to Mexico in September: booked
New Bathing Suits: purchased
Time Off: approved

We figured since life isn't going according to plan, we would just take sometime for ourselves and enjoy where we're at right now, together, just me and D.

This August is our 4th anniversary. My birthday is in July, his is in August. So, for our birthdays and anniversary we decided to go on a cruise (neither of us have ever been) and just get away! We'll spend our actual anniversary in Tahoe, but the countdown for the cruise is ON!
(and maybe the cruise gives me something tangible to work for, weight loss wise...)

Since we've never been, if any of you are cruise pros, feel free to offer advice! :)

If you don't have anything nice to say...

2011-04-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

My aunt used to joke "If you don't have anything nice to say, come and sit by me!"

But how do you tell a coworker or a friend or a family member or whoever that you don't appreciate the negative way they talk about other people?

I don't want to get sucked in to the negativity, nor do I want people thinking that it's ok to talk crap about other people to me.

But, I don't know how to say anything to stop the negativity, nor do I know how to re-direct the conversation (especially if it's about someone I don't know).

Any tips/suggestions?

Easter

2011-04-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

I realize that everyone has different burdens to bear, trials to go through, challenges to face and conquer. And I don't want to minimize anybody's struggles, nor am I trying to say "look at me" or "pity me" by talking about my own challenges.

That being said, the last 9 months have been difficult.
I feel like in a lot of ways I'm not who I set out to become.
And I feel like although I'm try, I feel like I keep running head first into obstacles.
My body fights against me, timing doesn't work out, etc.

We're taught that the atonement is for repenting of sins.
But I'm personally learning that the atonement is for so much more.
Today, one of the speakers quoted Alma 7:11-12 about how Christ will succor us according to our individual needs because he's suffered all our pains and afflictions, not just for our sins.
When I'm at the end of my rope (like lately), I'm learning to give it to the Lord.
Learning is the operative word.

I am so grateful for the atonement.

(from 320*Sycamore)

Death by Taco Bell

2011-04-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

I love Mexican food. Love it - could (and have) eaten it for lunch and dinner every day.

Now, I realize Taco Bell doesn't really count as Mexican food, but I needed some kind of fix, so I went there for lunch yesterday.

Worst.
Idea.
Ever.

Sure it tasted great at the time.
But oh my goodness I thought I was dying last night and today.
(Seriously, last night I rolled ever several times and told Dustin I thought I was dying.)

So, no more Taco Bell for this kid. :(
Feel free to suggest other places to get better Mexican food, though!

Worries and Wants

2011-04-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

So the last year has been challenging in several different ways.

I was talking to a good friend, E, last night about some of the challenges and she shared something that she learned at Time Out For Women. One of the speakers ended up finding out she was speaking super last minute. She shared from her life (and I wasn't there so I'm trying to remember what E told me) that she had spent years planning to get married and have kids and it just hadn't happened. As LDS people, we've been taught that when we're faced with a decision or something we dearly want that we need to study it out, make a decision, and then pray about it and we'll either feel that it's right or wrong. Well, this lady would pray to get married and have a family. But nothing was happening! And then she read a scripture (I don't have the reference, sorry!) that started her thinking. Maybe instead of praying for what she wanted, she should pray and ask if her concern was something she should even be praying about! And, she found that often times the answer she received from the Lord was, "don't worry about it right now." That let her go on to focus on other things that the Lord did want her worrying about instead.

So that got me thinking. A lot of my prayers have been "Heavenly Father, I want this now. Oh, and Thy will be done." But after talking to E, I started thinking that maybe I should ask the Lord if I should even be worrying about my current worry. And if the answer is no, I should let it go and focus on other things that the Lord wants me to spend my time on instead.

Granted, sometimes it's difficult to let go of our worries or wants.
But, I hope that I can grow to the point that when the Lord tells me not to worry about it right now, I can trust Him and focus my efforts where He wants so I can become who He wants me to become.

A Forced Hiatus

2011-04-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was my day off this week. I was getting things done, having a grand day when suddenly, our internet ceased working.

Upon seeing some ATT guys working by the side of the road, I figured they were just doing some repairs or upgrades. However, come Wednesday night there was still no internet. So I called ATT and they got someone out on Friday night who said, "Well, uh, I don't know how to fix the problem!" and sent someone out this morning (Saturday) to fix it for him.

So, while unplanned, we've had 3 full days without internet access.
And, while it was annoying when I needed to look up a phone number or something, it was mostly not that bad! I don't feel like I missed anything by not seeing constant status updates. I even lived without being able to check my email. And my bank accounts were all positive when I checked them this morning.

While disconnected I was able to spend more time with my husband, got more sleep, spent more time at the gym, etc. Although I worried the first day about the emails I was missing, I realized anyone who really needed to get a hold of me could call or text me, even my boss. :)

Moral of the story: I don't need to be constantly "connected."
In fact, disconnecting was pretty dang relieving and healthy.

Charity

2011-04-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

Today in Relief Society, we had a lesson on Charity.

While I've had lessons on Charity before, the teacher challenged us to think about what charity smelled, tasted, felt, and sounded like.

We got into groups and discussed these questions, starting with smell. Someone in our group said that charity smelled like new babies. From that I remembered the time with my friend and visiting teacher M came over after I had surgery in 2005. She brought her baby over and just sat him on my lap and it was wonderful! I couldn't do anything but sit there, but I loved it!

The more I thought about examples of Charity in my life, the more I realized how very very blessed I have been! (And I sat there in the back of the class just bawling with L's arm around me I thought about it.) From friends lending us their car for an evening when ours was dead in Provo to a bishop's wife always being there with a hug and a listening ear. We, and I, have been so blessed!

This also got me thinking that life is hard.
Just when I think I have regained balance, something else gets hurled our way to challenge us.

In fact, just a few months ago, I found myself saying something to the effect of "Really God? I'm already struggling with d/a. You want to throw this at me too? Wasn't the first struggle enough???"

Clearly, though, God has different plans.
And that's ok.
I mean, it's more than ok.
It's perfect.
And, if I let go of my need for "balance" and just trust in Him, maybe I'll find more balance and charity than I ever knew I had the capacity for.

Spring is in the air

2011-04-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Spring finally showed up (hopefully for good) around here.

Dustin does most of the cooking around here and likes to use a lot of different herbs and he always comments that fresh is better.

So, because I love him (and his cooking) and because it's warm and sunshiney, I planted a (tiny) herb garden!

Cilantro, Dill, Basil and Oregano!

We also are planting tomatoes and strawberries (those are in little starter crate things right now) and maybe even green beans.

Yum!

Opening Up

2011-04-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I was the kind of kid who would go up to strangers in the grocery store or restaurants and start talking. I had no reservations, no embarrassment about meeting and talking to new people.

I don't know when it changed, but as I grew older, I stopped reaching out. I would never characterize myself as shy at any point in my life, but I stopped talking to strangers and was embarrassed to open up and share.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about this change. I have gone through some really lonely times when all I wanted was to have someone to connect with. And yet, I was embarrassed to open up and say anything because what would they think of me.

I don't think I'm the only one who has experienced this. Especially as I've looked at facebook and twitter and blogs. We have all of these ways of reaching out to try and connect with each other, but we're too scared or too ashamed to just say what we have to say openly. Instead, we post vague status updates on fb like "I just wish that things were different" or something hoping that anyone will ask what's going on and give us the opportunity to open up and connect. We'll post tweets about what we're doing hoping that someone will connect and want to do things with us too. And we post blogs where we open up and hope someone will comment and connect with what we're writing.

When I am struggling with something, I know that I want is someone I can share my burden with. Yet, if someone asks how I'm doing, I answer "fine." I don't say that I'm struggling or frustrated or sad or whatever. I don't say that I'm shouldering a heavy trial.

Why don't we just talk honestly with each other?

Why are we embarrassed or ashamed or scared to share our struggles with each other?

I know that when I was baptized to be a member of the LDS church, I covenanted to bear other's burdens. And I know others who were baptized made the same covenant. So why don't I let anyone share in bearing my burdens?

I've decided I'm done being closed off about my life. Not that I'm going to run up to people and say "guess what I'm going through?!" but if someone asks, I'm not going to pretend. Maybe what I am struggling with can strengthen other people as we struggle and share burdens together. My trials are not who I am, rather they're just a part of what's shaping me. My struggles are not embarrassing, nor should I be scared about opening up to others.

In the few times that I've tried, I haven't been disappointed.

So, here's to a more open life!

The Results Are In!

2011-03-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

I've been doing this "losing weight" thing for less than a week and...

cue the drumroll

I'm already down 5 pounds!

Ok, bragging moment over. You are now returned to your regularly scheduled blogging. :)

Oh, and lest you all thing that all I've been doing is going to the gym and counting calories like a crazy person, posts are coming showing that I've been flexing (haha) my creative side too.

Find a way back to then

2011-03-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm on a crusade.
It's a weight loss crusade.

Here's the story: Once upon a time I started working at this bank. It was right after we graduated, so we weren't walking to and from campus every day, so I was less active. D and I would come home from work and sit on the couch and not really do anything. And then work got stressful. And I ate my feelings. And gained weight. And then work got even more stressful. And I ate more feelings. And gained more weight. I would come home from work at night and just sit and eat.

I've never been this heavy before in my life.

But NO MORE!
I'M DONE!

I've been going to the gym for the last 3 days for an hour plus each time. My calorie count has been cut down to 1130. And I feel good!
(I mean, I'm sore, but it's a good thing.)

The hardest thing will be to keep going, to sustain this exercise and eating routine.

But I'm determined, so here we go!

For Yourself

2011-03-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing I've learned in the last week it's that sometimes you just need to do something for yourself.

Whether it's reading a book, working out, sleeping in, shopping, singing, it doesn't matter.
No well can give water to anyone it's empty. So, sometimes you need to do something to fill your well so you can serve others.

There were never such devoted sisters

2011-03-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Having my sister here makes me grateful for where I've come from
and what I've overcome
to become who I am today.

She's a rockstar.

I love my siblings.

Sweet dreams are made of these

2011-03-08T17:22:00.001-08:00

I am usually very much a night person, not a morning person.

But it's 5:22pm right now and I just wanna go to bed.

I must be sick.

C: all of the above?

2011-03-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

If you had to choose between sanity and responsibility, which would you choose?

Wanted: Life Coach

2011-03-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

The past 24-hours I've found myself paralyzed by fear of change.

The change could be awesome.

Or it could be awful.

And not knowing which one it will be has me totally paralyzed.

I'm so afraid to make the wrong decision that I just don't make one at all.

Dream Big

2011-02-27T19:12:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wish I had a bigger house.

But only so that I'd have more room to decorate. :)

Oh the weather outside is frightful

2011-02-25T19:28:00.000-08:00

I love living in CA
(for the most part)
and have especially enjoyed the beautiful weather.

But lately it has been rainy and blustery and cold and down-right ugly!
(Shocker, I know. It is winter after all.)

Usually when the weather is yucky, most people want to stay at home, snuggle up with a good book or movie, eat soup and grilled cheese or other comfort foods, and forget about the world.

I'm all for those things.
Except the food.
Is it weird that my comfort foods are Coca-Cola and ice cream?
And occasionally some peanut butter M&M's?

Go Me

2011-02-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

Somedays, my biggest accomplishment is that I didn't punch someone in the face. :)

Today wasn't a day like that.
But, one day not too long ago, I prayed (I'm not even kidding, this was an out-loud prayer that D heard), "Dear God, please help me not to punch so-and-so in the face because I really really want to. Amen."

Today's biggest accomplishment probably was cleaning the bathroom. Although, going to work comes in as a close second (it's a freaking federal holiday - why were we even open!?).

What did you accomplish today?

Calories Suck

2011-02-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I can't lose weight while eating ice cream and popcorn and drinking Coka-Cola.

Valentines Day

2011-02-12T21:46:00.000-08:00

D and I haven't really celebrated Valentine's Day since we were dating.

So this year I told him exactly what I wanted:
flowers delivered to me at work.

Embarrassing? Perhaps.
Cliche? Definitely.

But, it's never happened to me before and I think it would be fun and sweet to receive such a public display of love even when by love isn't there. To know that he's thinking of me from afar (and in advance!) would be really nice.

Does it make it mean less if I told him that's what I want him to do?

Nah. :)

It just means I'll be a very happy girl this Valentine's Day.
assuming he remembers... ;)

Let's be friends

2011-02-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

I wonder why some people choose to be mean.

I understand feeling grumpy and frustrated.
I also understand teasing.

But I don't get just flat out being mean - especially to someone's face, even when they call you out on it, and not feeling any remorse.

So, anyone that I've been mean to, please know that I'm sorry and I want and am trying to be a nice person. Because mean people are no fun!!

Late at night

2011-02-08T23:57:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not "supposed" to feel this way, but I feel jealous when I see someone's facebook status posting about their life and accomplishments because they're doing what I wish I could.

Civic Duty

2011-02-01T22:51:00.000-08:00

I was called for jury duty today. I've never been summoned before. I showed up at 9:30 (ish - I couldn't find parking downtown). They put us all in a room where we hung out for a while. And then they said stuff to us. And then we sat around some more. And then they brought us all into a court room so we could be questioned. They decided on a jury before it was my turn to be questioned, so I got to go. So I spent my whole morning listening to other people tell their life stories so they could be selected or voted off (some of them were pretty entertaining. Others, totally boring. One lady got dismissed because she didn't speak English.). The case itself made me giggle a little too. And the whole time, I kept thinking about Law and Order. It wasn't nearly that glamorous.

I have to call on Friday to see if they need me again. And I'm on call all month. It's funny how they call you for one day, but you're still "on call" for another 27.

So, I didn't go to work today because I was being a good citizen.

Isn't jury duty fun?

Over it

2011-01-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

I am currently over the following "recording artists"

Rihanna
Ke$ha
Pink
Katy Perry
Taylor Swift
Lady Gaga

We can't stop the fire

2011-01-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, for whatever reason, there was a fire lit under my behind! Suddenly, I found myself searching for theatre auditions in the Sacramento area, emailing strangers (or almost strangers) asking for help and meetings to get involved in various local theatres, creating a website and fliers for voice and piano lessons, ordering business cards, etc.

So, if you know anyone in the Sacramento area looking for a voice or piano teacher, send them my way! My new website is http://www.rocklinmusiclessons.blogspot.com. Let me know what you think!

A Question

2011-01-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

This one's for the ladies:

What are some of the staple pieces in your wardrobe?
You know, the ones you cannot live without, that make you feel and look fantastic, that you wear on a regular basis?

Please help me not be so fashion stupid.
I don't want to look too trendy (and not have any clothes to wear in 6 months).
I want to dress age-appropriate.
But mostly, I just don't want to look like a bum. :)
Or, like one of the "before's" on TLC's What Not To Wear.

Once in a while...

2011-01-25T21:29:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I get the urge to get all dressed- and made-up.
Even if I have no where to go or nothing to do.

Just a friendly piece of advice

2011-01-22T22:24:00.001-08:00

The first question after asking "Do you two have kids?" should not be "Why not?"

Please do not also include "Don't you like kids?" "Don't you want kids?" "What are you waiting for?" or any variation.

Especially if you're talking to strangers.

Emotions

2011-01-18T21:21:00.000-08:00

When I feel sad, I want to buy new clothes, change my hair, get my nails done, change my make up, buy a new purse, etc.

When I feel happy, I want to create and nurture what's already there.

Today, I felt sad. I bought a new shirt, made a hair appointment, and then had to go into hiding because pay day isn't until Friday.

Christmas

2010-12-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie... Since getting married, Christmases have been quite different. We went to my family's house the first year we were married, and that was fun. The year after we stayed in Utah, too poor to travel, and went to my BIL's family's cabin, and that was also fun but different. Last year, we had a W family Christmas, which was loud and busy and bursting with people and energy. This year we would ideally be going to my family's house, but D couldn't get time off in December and I couldn't get time off in January so we're staying home. We're at my in-laws and I feel like I should be all happy and cheery. And I was feeling happy and cheery until today. And then it hit me - it's another Christmas that I won't be spending with my family. Another Christmas my siblings will experience without me. It breaks my heart not to be there. I burst into tears multiple times today with no explanation other than "I want to go home." While I've carried some T family traditions with me (the "Teach the Children" story, Santa signing you so you know he's been there), the whole experience is totally different. It's fun to watch my niece and nephews anticipate Santa coming and anticipate the "big day." But it doesn't quite have the same magic. Although I've watched the traditional Christmas movies, listened to all the carols, sent out cards, baked and delivered goodies, I don't quite know how to capture the Christmas spirit. I keep thinking about what I'm missing...And while I know the meaning of the season is not about what we lack, I just can't seem capture the feelings of warmth and charity.

So, sorry to be a Scrooge. I do feel grateful for all my blessings and that I have in-laws to celebrate with and a family who misses me. And I do wish you all the merriest of Christmases. I hope that you and yours have a truly blessed holiday season.

And here's to a cheery Christmas day.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas "to-do's"

2010-12-13T22:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas Cards - addressed and sent
Christmas Gifts - half way there...
Christmas Decorations - done
Christmas Cookies - I need a baking day... maybe this weekend?

And yet, it still doesn't quite feel like the holiday season.

What am I missing??

Oh, I know what it is!
Christmas vacation. Yeah, those end when you graduate. :)

Fall Crafting

2010-11-24T15:41:00.001-08:00

Here's what my fall crafting has produced:

Felt fall leaves banner

"Autumn" in a different frames
Felt "Give Thanks" banner

If anyone wants a "how to" guide, let me know! These were all super easy and I love how they bring autumn into the house. Much cheaper and way cuter than anything you'd find at the store - and you can totally put your own spin on it!

Happy Autumn to everyone!

Autumn

2010-11-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

I guess the opposite of spring cleaning is autumn messiness. My house certainly meets that description.

And yet, here I sit crafting instead of doing anything to tidy up the disaster zone that is my house.

Let's blame this on the car accident. It just knocked the motivation right out of me! :)

Don't you worry though. I will post pictures of my craftiness. Since that's more important.

Real Adults

2010-11-14T22:51:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize, "holy cow, I'm an adult"? I realize that I have been living on my own now for 6+ years, setting my own curfew, buying my own groceries, paying my own bills, etc. Sometimes though I forget that I am an adult, not just a big kid playing house. Yesterday, I had one of those "holy cow, I'm an adult!" moment.

D works at RC Willey in the warehouse. Employees don't get discounts until they've been working there for at least 6 months. D passed that mile-marker a bit ago, but we haven't had any needs for furniture, flooring, appliances, or electronics. Well, I did buy D a surround-sound system, but we didn't need it or anything. :)

RC Willey is having an amazing discount on Sony TV's (and cameras and camcorders) for employees. Again, not something we need, but something that was too good to pass up. Originally we thought we would get a new TV after we got our tax return for this year. You know, were planning and saving and being responsible. Then, our TV started turning on and off by itself, and changing volume, and the remote wouldn't work and then the buttons on the TV wouldn't work and the TV was just being generally possessed.

So, we bought the 46" Sony TV.

And when you buy a new TV, obviously you need a new entertainment center! Especially when your old entertainment center (or amoire) only fits a 20" TV.

So, we bought a new entertainment center.

And when we were unpacking the entertainment center and setting up the TV, I realized "holy cow, I'm an adult!" Making grown up purchases. Living in my own place. With my own stuff. We've only other purchased one other piece of furniture - our dining room table and chairs.

Anyway, here's a picture.

Could it be?

2010-11-11T15:36:00.001-08:00

Am I truly blogging again?

So it would appear.

Did you miss me?

I was sitting here at home being grateful for a paid day off in the midst of all the craziness that has been my life lately. I feel very grateful and very blessed while at the same time very overwhelmed and very unsure.

Two months ago, D and I were in a car accident. We were rear-ended like 2 blocks from our apartment. While initially it seemed like the damages to our car and to ourselves were slight, as time has gone on, new problems keep manifesting themselves. We just picked up our car from the shop this week and it is now all fixed, but the repairs were much more extensive than we thought they were going to be. I have also been experiencing a lot of pain as a result from the accident. My head was turned to the left when we were hit, causing different kind of injuries. A trip to the ER right afterward revealed that I had a concussion and muscle damage. I took a couple days off of work to heal, but just didn't seem to improve any at all. The headaches got worse. The pain got worse. I started physical therapy and there's significant soft tissue damage and nerve damage as well. I asked my therapist how long of a process this healing-thing would be and she said it's going to be quite long-term. I have to wear a C-collar when I'm not at work. My doctor is also concerned that there might be a bulged disk because I'm experiencing tingling (pins and needles) in my left hand and pain radiating down my arm. All from a simple rear ending. I don't know what my recovery process will be like or how long it will take, honestly. They're still trying to figure out everything that's wrong as a result of the accident. So I'm a little overwhelmed and unsure about what my future looks like as far as recovering from this is concerned.

I don't mean to be all "my life is so hard!" because really, we have been so blessed through all of this. We had a rental car the entire time our car was in the shop. I can still do my job (thank goodness I'm a banker and not a teller b/c I definitely am not able to stand all day). We have medical coverage. The accident was completely not our fault, so every cost is being covered. My boss has been really good about giving me the same day off every week for PT. The C-collar was really great at getting me through airport security really quickly when Mom and I went to Phoenix to go visit Gma. D has been really wonderful at taking care of me and making sure that I'm comfortable. While I'm way more limited in what I can do (piano playing is painful, lifting anything is out of the question, etc.) I am very aware of the Lord's hands and feel quite blessed.

That being said, having a headache every day for two months blows. I think that part is more difficult for me to handle than all of the other pain and discomfort. But, the not being able to sleep because I can't get comfortable for more than an hour thing sucks pretty bad too. It's definitely a close second.

So that's what D and I are up to. :) And in thinking about it being November and close to Thanksgiving (remember Thanksgiving? b/c it seems like every retail store in our area has forgotten it exists...) I just wanted to say that I am grateful.

Remember that one time?

2010-06-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Remember when Prop 8 happened and there was all this tension between LBGT groups and the LDS church?

Remember when I shortly after did a show about a female RM who was in love with her female roommate and also a faithful LDS member?

Well, that show might be done again in SLC in February with your help. This award winning show sparked honest and respectful conversations between the Provo LDS and LBGT communities. It is so important that these conversations continue to take place! This show facilitates that!

Please go here to learn more! Please!

Thanks :D

And so we got a dog.

2010-05-31T21:08:00.001-07:00

After a long absence...

2010-05-21T22:23:00.001-07:00

I know, I know. You all missed me so much. :)

Here's what's happened/happening:

- I started meds. The first month was really rough, but things have smoothed out and I'm actually doing pretty well right now. I also started reading a book called Feeling Good or something like that and, while I didn't like it at first, I have grown to appreciate the principles it's teaching me about recognizing my own thought patterns and correcting them with more logical thought patterns.

- We moved. That is a huge factor in why I'm doing so well right now, I think. We now rent a 2bd apartment (so come and visit!) and, from the moment we first moved in, it really feels like home in a way the home-sweet-trailerhome never did. It feels so good to have our own place and space! I really feel so much more peace and calm in my life than I have since we moved out here (so much so that I haven't bitten my nails since we moved!!!).

- I got a promotion at work! I start training for my promotion at the end of June, so until then I'm learning as much as I can hands-on in the store. I'm super exited and grateful, and a little anxious, for this opportunity. (And it means I need to buy new clothes...darn.)

- D moved to day shifts at work so we actually see each other now for more than an hour a day. He gets off at 3:30 and I get off at 6:15 so that leaves us the whole evening to spend together! When I asked him what he would do with his new-found free time, he got a really confused look on his face. He hasn't had free time since...before his mission? He has worked so hard to go to school and work and hasn't had much time to enjoy any hobbies or anything. So, since the weather is maybe going to be getting nice sometime soon, D will probably spend some time frisbee golfing or something.

Ok, I think that covers it. Now that we have internet at our apartment (again, it's a 2 bd. apartment so come visit!!), I should be able to post like a good, little blogger again.

Until next time...

What I do with my days off

2010-04-08T23:28:00.000-07:00

Craigslist wins:

- found an awesome arm chair only one year old - $10

- found a Pottery Barn table and 6 chairs for my SIL (still with the price tags!) - $200

- found an all wood (no particle board) desk and hutch - $125

- found two bar stools just like my MIL's that retail 2 for $100 - $20 each

- found the apartment that we'll be signing for next Sat.

Currently looking for an entertainment center...

Three Things

2010-03-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

We didn't get the apartment we originally applied for.

This is a good thing.

Instead, I found another (much less expensive) apartment on Craigslist (again, Craigslist) - 2 beds, 1 bath. We both really like it and we should be moving mid-April.

I started antidepressants again yesterday.

This is a mixed thing.

I know that I need them. I just don't want to need them, I guess. But I took one last night and felt fine. This morning I felt jittery, but I'm not sure if it was drug-related or not. Dr. said I had to give it a full month. We'll see how it goes!

D takes a written fire exam tomorrow.

This is a good thing.

And I'm super nervous for him. But I'm trying not to act nervous and instead just be the super positive, upbeat, supportive wife.

I hope it's working.

Love Craigslist

2010-03-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

Super Win on Saturday: Purchased 1 year old super-awesome-comfy chair via Craigslist for $10. :)

It's almost the same color as our couch (dark green) but off just enough that they clash. So, I bought a chocolate brown chair cover and it looks beautiful! I also bought some new throw pillows that look awesome.

Now I just need a living room!

Wanna hear a joke? Kaiser.

2010-03-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

What a freaking waste. of. time.

I saw my doctor 2+ weeks ago and told her that I wanted to take charge of my d/a. Because Kaiser is insane, I had to wait 2+ weeks for an intake whatever with the psychiatric department of Kaiser.

Today was my intake whatever. I was told on the phone that it would take around 3 hours, so in my mind I was prepped for some intense probing and figuring out of a treatment plan. I expected to leave with a prescription in hand, a schedule set with a therapist, etc.

I got there, filled out 6 pages of rate your depression/anxiety on a scale of 1-10 and blah blah blah. Then a lady came in and said "this is what we offer through the Psychiatric Department at Kaiser" and then shooed us to the lobby to wait for a intake person to evaluate us and come up with our treatment plan.

Went to the lobby (thank goodness I brought my book!) and waited for a while. I got called back and was mentally prepared to instantly like and trust this person and not hold anything back.

We talked for maybe 10 minutes (that's a generous estimation) and she "prescribed" a meeting with a Nurse Practitioner who would prescribe drugs and a meeting with a depression therapist. She tells me to go down to the reception desk to schedule this meetings. I'm thinking that these people are both in-house and I'll be meeting with them today, just like I met with her. And I got myself ready.

Oh no.

The soonest they could schedule me to see the NP was MID MAY.

The soonest they could schedule me to see the depression therapist was also MID MAY.

Is this a joke?!

What do I have to do to get help?! Seriously!

So, screw you Kaiser. People come to you for help now because they're dealing with big issues now - not MID MAY.

What I'm I supposed to do until then?

---

So, I did what any normal (ha) person would do and drove to IKEA to walk and day dream out my frustrations and I bought a basil plant that now lives in our kitchen.

---

And I finished my book, but more about that later.

Time marches on

2010-03-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

I had to go to work today after 4 days off.

It was difficult. Especially because it was a beautiful day! And D didn't have work or volunteer firefighting.

Tomorrow, I think, will be even more difficult.

I have an intake appointment downtown. In the psychiatric department, or whatever its called.

What's bananas is that I've actually had a really good week. I've gotten out of bed, I've done things that in the past have given me ridiculously high levels of anxiety, I've been happy mostly, etc. So now that I'm faced with going to this appointment tomorrow, I'm feeling a lot like:

Hey, I don't really need help. I've got this all under control myself. I'm doing just fine.

Which is, obviously, not true. But this is the trap I fall into! I go through a really scary low during which I decide I really need help. And then come out of it and live relatively normally for like a week and decide I'm actually fine and I can keep handling this on my own because I'm fine right now!

Anyway, I'm scared for the appointment tomorrow. Scared to be honest with people I don't know. Scared that it's supposed to take 3 hours (what?! 3 hours?!). Scared that other people are also going to be there (hi, my name is L and I have d/a). Scared to go by myself (D has work).

Scared that it won't work.

And Again

2010-03-23T14:56:00.001-07:00

Reading

2010-03-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

In high school, I was quite the reader. Right mom? Mom and I would trade books as her list of good books to read was infinitely long.

Something happened in college. Reading was required in high school. Reading was required in college. Not much changed there. But something changed in me - I stopped reading for fun. Maybe because Mom wasn't there to suggest which books to read (and bring them home from the library?). Maybe because I had no curfew and lots of cute boys. (HA!). Regardless, I stopped reading for fun.

Here I am. I've been graduated for almost a year (what?!) and what have I done with myself? Not much, honestly.

So, I went to Target tonight (shocker - I spend too much time in that store. I suppose I can also thank my mother for that!) and bought a book. Eat Pray Love. I'm in love with this book. 20 chapters in and I'm in love.

Let me share with you one paragraph. In referring to her experience with depression:

"When you're lost in those woods, it sometime takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."

She just spoke to my soul. I just wanted to cry out amen!

This book isn't all about depression. Oh no not at all. Just a couple chapters touch on it.

Still, this woman is speaking to my soul.

One more section because it's amazing:

"What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I'm scared they will never leave. I say that I don't want to take the drugs anymore, but I'm frightened I will have to. I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together.

In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it - I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

Isn't that beautiful!?

I sobbed as I read it. That is what I've been waiting for someone, anyone, to say. But for this author, the voice came from within her. Isn't that just...astounding?

I am in love with this book. Go read it now. Target has it for $12. Go.

Waiting

2010-03-21T22:40:00.001-07:00

Got a phone call today: apartment will be done April 12.

I didn't even blog about us applying for an apartment - sorry.

Probably because I didn't want the whole world to know in case we weren't approved because I didn't want to share my failure.

Anyway, it's low-income housing (the plus side to being poor, I guess?) brand new, 2 beds, 2 baths, brand new, lots of windows, almost 1000 square feet, and brand new.

We still don't know if we're approved for the apartment - they're processing our application right now and are rushing to get it done.

So, for now, I wait.

And while I wait, I look at couches and loveseats online dreaming of living in a place that's not the home-sweet-trailerhome.

God did not give me patience, but He's taking every opportunity to try and teach it to me, it seems. It also seems like I'm not a great learner. :)

"So, do you guys want kids?"

2010-03-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

I had several good days in a row this week. It was great.

Today, not so much.

My MIL and SIL and aunts (IL) through a shower today for D's cousin. It was really nice and lots of people came to show their love and support.

I wanted to die. It was so awkward for me.

I met some girls from the ward we might be moving into. It was like all of the girls in our UT ward. The ward I don't miss. That bodes well.

Fortunately, I met one girl who was so super nice and and we hit it off right away. That was a blessing. But then she had to go to a work meeting. So, I was alone. But I was holding another girl's baby who is 1 month old, so that was really nice.

And then it got really awkward. "So, L, are you guys going to have kids?" "Don't you want kids too?" "You're holding that baby there, why don't you have one of your own?"

Awesome.

So then it got into family stuff and aunts started talking about the first time they met me, which was at another cousin's wedding. I happened to interject that that day had been miserable for me and I went home and cried (I wasn't well liked by the family upon my first introduction). They were surprised and then laughed it off and kept on going. Why I felt the need to interject that is beyond me. Regardless, I'm sure I made relationships with my in-laws even better.

I wish every day could be a good day.

Tomorrow is my FIL's birthday which means a whole evening of in-law festivities.

Can I just be voted off the island now?

miracle

2010-03-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

yesterday felt like a miracle.

i felt like myself for the whole day!

no anxiety, no sadness, nothing! just me!

hopefully, soon, every day i will be myself.

running to catch up

2010-03-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

ok world. i've seen you go flying by me. i've been watching you while i have sat here on my bum. on the couch. in the same position for hours.

today, i got off the couch and took some steps forward.

big steps, for me. probably small steps for everyone else but this is my blog so you go brag somewhere else. :)

anyway.

i had a drs apt. i was honest. i had blood work done (yuck). i have another apt. in 2 weeks. huge steps toward being a normal person!

we applied for an apartment. a brand new, 2 bed, 2 bath, 963 sq. ft. apartment. i could go on and on about how awesome it is (seriously, i'm in love) but i'm afraid that we won't be accepted (it's low income housing because we're poor) and so i don't want to get my hopes up.

ok, so that's it. but i'm feeling really accomplished. like i'm moving forward. which is a fantastic feeling. let's hope this momentum lasts!

in the meantime, pray for us, please? i need to move out of this trailer.

the value of education

2010-03-09T13:55:00.001-08:00

why did i go to college?

no, seriously.

i spent thousands of dollars and 5 years getting a college education for what?

i was making more and at a higher position than where i am right now.

and if i hadn't gone to college, i would never know how much i love theatre and therefore i wouldn't feel as empty now without it.

it's like the bait was dangled in front of my face and then yanked away.

if i hadn't gone to college, i would probably be more successful than i am currently.

awesome.

a slow, painful decline

2010-03-01T22:32:00.001-08:00

if this is what death feels like, then i'm going to live forever.

my throat started getting sore at work today. never a good sign, but with the weather being as crazy town as it has been lately, i assumed it was allergies (you know what happens when you assume things...).

fast forward to 9:30 when i picked D up from work. he came out to the car to find me a sobbing mess, clutching my left ear, and saying "it hurts!" dramatic much? surprisingly, no. my left ear and throat hurt like he...(it's no curse week)...ck. but worse.

urgent care was closed. so at the suggestion of dr. mom, i came home with an armful of supplies: throat numbing spray, saline spray, aleve, and numbing cough drop things. the cashier gave me hand sanitizer and told me to feel better.

heaven help me if my ear and throat don't feel better tomorrow (the rest of me feels fantastic other than the exhaustion that i cannot shake to save my life, sick or well). i would say that a dr. will get an earful, but in reality i think a dr. will get dirty looks until i get some answers. talking is on the more painful side right now.

here's to tuesdays off of work!

Look at me be domestic!

2010-02-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

I bought a sewing machine.

And I'm so happy!

I know. What the random, right?

I have no idea what I'm doing, really. I mean, I sewed a quilt with my grandma when I was 12. But my lines were crooked and I wasn't a gifted seamstress, so put it kindly. But I enjoyed it!

So far, I have hemmed a table cloth (is hemmed even the right term?), re-hemmed a shirt (it got a hole in it right near the bottom so I just re-hemmed it and made it a little shorter!), and hemmed a pair of pants.

What a domestic diva I am!

Now, I need someone to teach me to sew in a straight line. :)

Groceries for Sale

2010-02-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

If I had the money, I think I would grocery shop entirely at smaller grocery stores.

I would say 95% of the time, we grocery shop at Winco. And that's fine. It's cheap. But it's huge. And generic.

I went to Safeway tonight because I just needed a few things and it's close. And I doubted Winco would have them. Safeway was more expensive, but not on everything. And it was a much more peaceful experience for me. The store was cleaner, calmer, and I enjoyed walking up and down the aisles, thinking about what we needed, what would be fun to try, etc. Safeway definitely had more specialty things, which was fun (maybe I'm chowing down on one of them now?).

My bill honestly came out to about the same as Winco. Maybe a little more. I know it could've been way more if I had let myself go bananas and not shopped the sales (but where would I put all the food?! There's not enough room in the home-sweet-trailerhome!). But my anxiety level is super low right now (especially for having just grocery shopped), and that's awesome.

No, I'm not getting paid for this

2010-02-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie. I struggle doing makeup. I can never seem to get the look I want or have makeup stay on long enough or whatever. But I found a new eyeliner and I love it, so I thought I'd share.

It's Maybelline Eye Studio Lasting Drama Gel Eyeliner. Here's why I like it: it says on your face without smudging or fading! It goes on super clear and at the end of the day it still looks as good! So, if you're in the market for a new eyeliner, I recommend this one.

Now, to find a foundation I like...

Astonishing!

2010-02-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

Need some inspiration?

Listen to "Astonishing" from Little Women.

Maybe I listened to it 5+ times on my breaks at work today. :)

Listen to it and I promise you'll feel like you can conquer the world!

------

I thought home was all I'd ever want

My attic all I'd ever need.

Now nothing feels the way it was before

And I don't know how to proceed.

I only know I'm meant for something more

I've got to know if I can be

Astonishing

There's a life

That I am meant to lead

A life like nothing I have known

I can feel it

And it's far from here

I've got to find it on my own

Even now I feel it's heat upon my skin.

A life of passion that pulls me from within,

A life that I am making to begin.

There must be somewhere I can be

Astonishing

I'll find my way

I'll find it far away

I'll find it in unexpected and unknown

I'll find my life in my own way

Today

Here I go

And there's no turning back

My great adventure has begun

I may be small

But I've got giant plans

To shine as greatly as the sun

I will blaze until I find my time and place

I will be fearless,

Surrendering modesty and grace

I will not disapear without a trace

I'll shout and start a riot

Be anything but quiet

Christopher Columbus

I'll be Astonishing

Astonishing

At Last