Things I Love About J

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So often I get caught up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle.

J will only be this age once.

And, while it comes with some challenges (teething, newly found independence and defiance), there is so much I love about J today, in the stage he's in now.

I love J mimics everyone around him.  He mimics Izzy - tongue out, crawling, tug of war with socks, whining, the whole deal.  He mimics my voice students and sings their warm ups along with them.  He mimics giving kisses - he's got the sound down, but not the action.

I love that J wants to explore everything.  It's not enough to look around and take in a location, he has to test out how everything feels and sounds (sometimes tastes - it depends on if he's mimicing Izzy or not).  His connection to the world is so physical and he is analytical about everything.  He has no fear and will explore anything anywhere.

I love that J is so happy.  People have literally stopped me in parking lots and chased me down in stores to tell me how cute and happy he is (this has happened multiple times, so I don't feel like I'm exaggerating an isolated incident).  He has a smile for everyone!  And he is affectionate and willing to go to (just about) anyone and give them a few loves.  He spends church flirting with everyone around him and he brightens up anywhere he goes!

I love that J loves music.  He loves to sing, play piano, drum, listen to music, etc.  As a music lover myself, this makes me so happy!

I love J's independence (most of the time).  He is content to play and read without needing mom or dad to hold his hand.  One of his favorite games to play is to shut the door to his playroom and wait to see how long we'll let him play by himself.  Whenever we open the door back up, he laughs and laughs and then the game starts again.

I love how much J loves his daddy.  Whenever he sees D walk in the door from work or school, he waddles or crawls over to him with the biggest smile and arms wide open to love on him.  It makes me so happy!  They have a special bond, for sure.

I love how deliciously chubby he is!  He was so tiny when he was born and it makes me so happy that he has plumped into such a big and darling boy.  He's 28 lbs of solid boy and I love it!

I love that J loves books.  D and I are both readers.  J loves loves loves to look at books.  He loves reading them by himself.  He loves reading them with either of us.  We have his books everywhere (car, diaper bag, bedroom, playroom, living room, bathroom) because he loves them!

I love J's sense of humor!  He is silly to make me laugh and I love that!  We've played a game for months where I steal his bink and then he steals in back from me and we go back and forth.  He has started initiating this game on his own and he thinks it's hilarious!!  He'll also initiate peek-a-boo or other games, make silly noises, make silly faces, all to get laughs.

I love seeing the similarities between me and J and D and J.  It's so fun to see ourselves come out in him.  He has both our love of books.  My love of music.  D's love of cars.  Both of our stubbornness (oops...).  It's so fun watching his personality emerge and noticing how he really is our kid.

I love my sweet boy for everything that he is right now. 

Can-Do Attitude

Sorry for the brief hiatus.

I've had a teething and super sick little boy here who has needed some extra momma snuggles.

And who am I to refuse?

But, little boy has two new teeth and is over the on the mend from his cold, thankfully.

With little man being sick and needy, I haven't been able to do as much as I want to do.

I've felt discouraged because my "to-do" list is growing and I'm not making any progress.  Rather, I feel like I'm falling behind!

Tuesday night, I had to get out of the house.  I was hoping it would clear my head.

(I went to Target, of course.)

On my way to Target, an ambulance was driving down the road behind me.

Lights flashing and sirens waling.

I tried to pull over, but there was a person hanging out in my blind spot.  I was finally able to get over, but not before the ambulance hung out on my rear long enough to make me feel like a royal jerk.

And then I started freaking out.

Generally feeling bad about myself and my seeming unkindness and rudeness.

The feeling lasted all night and into the morning.

Until, I looked myself in the mirror and had a little pep talk.

Out loud and everything.

I said "Landon, what do you need to do today?"

Fill my prescriptions and teach 4 lessons were the only things that I needed to get done.

"Ok, what can you do today?"

Take stuff to Goodwill, clean my bedroom, do dishes, and play with my boy.

With that "can-do" attitude, I felt great all day long!

When I'd run up against an obstacle, I would ask "can I do this?"

If I could, I would.

If not, I'd let it go.

And I let that be enough.

Cracked Heals and Letting Go

Sometimes, I question my success as a mom and as a woman.

I don't always look cute when I leave the house.

My dishes are often piled in the sink.

I forget to vacuum my floors.

I never make my bed.

Today, at church I sat next to the cutest girl.  

She has four kiddos and always looks so together and with it, as do her kids.

She's funny, positive, and gorgeous.

Basically, someone I look at and want to be like.

While we were sitting next to each other, each rocking our baby boys, I was thinking about how I could be a little better and how I could be a little more like this cute girl, when I looked down and saw that her heals were cracked.  Her toes were polished, her outfit was super cute, and her hair and makeup were polished.  

But, the cracked heals struck me - I have cracked heals, too.  

We both have different challenges and we both have different skills, but as we sat their rocking our boys I knew that we both love being a mother and a woman. 

This cute girl is doing her best, just like I am.  

Maybe some things fall by the wayside.  

Maybe my bed goes unmade and my dishes go undone.

But my family is clean, fed, happy and I love them dearly.

So, I guess need to let go of my doubts and comparisons. 

I'm doing ok.

Reflecting and Changing: Emotional Edition

This is my last quest/resolution for 2013.
My emotional quest.

This is my most challenging area. 

I have depression/anxiety and there's so much negative shiz going on in my head pretty much constantly.  Almost all of it is self-directed.

The depression/anxiety damns me.

Sure, I've been taking meds.  And they have been life changing.

I know they're not for everyone, but I probably would've been a lost cause by now without them.

But sometimes the negative voices break through.

The voices keep me from talking to people because I'm not cool enough.

The voices keep me from trying new things because I would not be any good at them.

The voices keep me from auditioning for shows or applying for directing gigs because I am sure that I'm not good enough.

All of these feelings of not being enough are keeping me from who knows what!

My resolution is two fold:

I am going to talk back to those negative voices.

I am going to put myself out there more.

I'm gonna make that voice in my head that says "you're not ________ enough!" shut the heck up.

At least, I'm gonna try.

I'm gonna talk back to that voice and say, "You're wrong.  Right now, I am enough."

And, I'm going to try to do more.  

Talk to people more (this is the most terrifying for me, honestly).  Try new things.  Maybe do a show (Jackson allowing).

I'm going to work break through my depression/anxiety damn and be a little healthier emotions wise.

Reflecting and Changing: Physical Edition

I've made a spiritual "resolution", but I don't want to focus on only one side of my triangle.  To find and maintain balance, I am also making a physical "resolution."

I feel like each year I make the same "resolution" - lose weight, exercise more, eat healthy.

I always fall short.

Last year, I was rapidly losing weight because of the HG.

Now, my weight is holding steady, but I don't feel as good as I did a few years ago.

I think part of that is because I'm still recovering from HG, but part of it is because my lifestyle is different from what it was 5 years ago.

Five years ago, we were living in Provo and going to BYU.  We didn't have a car, so I was walking everywhere.  I was walking to and from campus several times a day.  The terrain wasn't flat.  Often times, I'd be power walking to campus so I would make it to class on time.  I was on my feet and moving all the time.

Now, I am not nearly as active.  I teach all day, but I'm sitting while I teach.  J and I mostly hang out at home where there's not a lot of walking or moving around.  My lifestyle is totally different.  And I worry because I want to be able to keep up with J when he starts running around and I don't know if that's something I could do every day right now. 

This is where I need to change.

I need to be active!

This doesn't mean I need to be running 15 miles a day.

It doesn't mean that I can't enjoy peanut butter M&M's once in a while.

I just need to get my bum moving!

I have resolved to set aside time in the morning to pray and meditate.

I am now resolving to set aside time in the morning to be active.

I love doing yoga.  I enjoy walking and am getting to like running.  I like to dance.  

I can do yoga and dance in my living room.  I can walk or run with J around the neighborhood.

I can do all these things.

And I will do all these things!

Whether or not my body changes isn't the object.  

I just want to feel good again!

Reflecting and Changing: Spiritual Edition

I believe that each person is like an equilateral triangle.

There are three sides to a person: spiritual, physical, and emotional.

(Am I missing a side?)

Each of these sides needs to be cared for, or the other sides will fall out of balance and the triangle will collapse on itself.

As I've been reflecting on changes that I want to implement in my life (financially and in my wardrobe), I've also been thinking about how to become more balanced.

Thinking about the first side of the triangle, the spiritual side, I realize that there is definite room for improvement.  There always is, isn't there?  After all, part of the purpose of this life is to draw closer to God and build our relationship with him.

Since Jack has been born, I've been making a considerable effort to do more to strengthen the spiritual side of my triangle.  I want my son to have a relationship with God and how will he learn to have one if I don't have one myself?  But there are some days that I forget or get distracted and I miss my quiet time to study scriptures and pray or meditate.  And once I miss one day, it's easier to miss another and another one after that.

Which brings me to my spiritual "resolution" - I want to dedicate time each day in the morning to pray and meditate.  Morning is key - it will set the tone for the rest of my day and it will ensure that it's not forgotten until the end of the day when I'm too tired.

There are so many questions I have.  Questions about our future, how to raise my son, how to make ends meet, how to be a better teacher, how to be a better wife/mother/daughter/sister/daughter-in-law/sister-in-law/aunt/cousin/granddaughter etc.

Isn't that promise from Dieter Uchtdorf wonderful? "Ask about...your feelings and your questions, and He will answer."  And He's God so His answers will be perfect!

And what a wonderful way to focus 2013 - focus on prayer.

What are your spiritual "resolutions"?

Reflecting and Changing: Finance Edition

I hate finances.

Hate.

I hate paying bills, I hate spending money, I hate looking at my bank accounts, etc.

The last year has been especially stressful on the finance front. I was on bed rest and on disability until Jack was born, and that was a significant pay cut.  After Jack was born, I not return to work outside of the home but instead started teaching piano and voice lessons from home, which is not super lucrative.  Meanwhile, D has been working in the same job and while his boss agrees that he deserves a raise, the company "cannot afford" to give him one.

Meanwhile, we have a car with an awesome custom body job from hitting a deer 2 1/2 years ago that needs to be fixed (5-6 grand worth of repairs).  We have credit card debt (not much, compared to the national average, but it's still there).  We have a small student loan that we're making payments on.  We have a car loan that we're making payments on for our Corolla.  The car repair and our debt hangs over my head.

Add that to the normal expenses of rent, PGE, car insurance, food, phone/internet and gas.

And we live frugally - we don't go out to eat often and when we do we use coupons, when we buy clothes we buy them on super clearance, we don't take extravagant vacations, etc.

But, I still stress about getting out of debt and making ends meet.

While I've been reflecting on areas in my life that I want to change and improve, this is one area that begs to be improved, at least for the sake of my mental health.

One of my "resolutions" is to be credit card debt free by the end of 2013.

I feel like this is achievable.  I would love to be entirely debt free, but that is an overwhelming goal and we simply don't have the income for it, at least not at this point.  And, I personally don't think that the small student loan or the car loan are considered excessive or unnecessary debt.

But, credit card debt on the other hand?  I think that carrying around that debt is unnecessary.  

So, I am going to be sitting down and figuring out a serious action plan for how we can be credit card debt free by the end of 2013 for sure. 

Which leads me to this question:

Have any of you gone though this paying-off-debt process?  What tools helped you the most?  Any apps or websites or charts?  What do you suggest?

Reflecting and Changing: Wardrobe Edition

This whole having-a-baby thing has spurred a lot of reflection and desire to make some changes in various areas my life.

One of these areas is my wardrobe.

Seemingly silly, I know.  But my identity has changed, my day-to-day has changed, and I want my wardrobe to reflect who I am. 

I've spent a lot of time on Pinterest looking at women's fashion and pinning pieces that speak to me on a functional and beautiful level.  But my issue has been not knowing how to recreate these outfits with what I already have.  I've wanted to go out and buy the pieces that I've pinned, but who can afford that?

One of the blogs I subscribe to is Putting Me Together where Audrey posts pictures of how she is reworking her closet, building outfits and how/why she puts her outfits together.

She turned me onto the website Go Chic or Go Home.

 I cannot express how much I love this website!

It is a fashion website/community that allows you to work your own closet and see what other people are doing, as well as create wishlists, "favorite" (like) outfits and individual pieces, and more.

I've uploaded pictures of every item of clothing in my closet, my shoes, and my accessories.

From there, I've been able to pull up a picture of something I like on Pinterest or wherever and then drag and drop my own pieces to recreate the outfits.

I have learned so much about building an outfit (you don't have to have the exact pieces that someone else has, but you can recreate the idea - why do you like the outfit? what are the principles behind it?) and about my own style in the month or so I've been using GCOGH.  I've found a few holes in my wardrobe and am now saving to be able to fill those holes.

I've also learned that I have too much in my closet.

It's overwhelming to look in my closet, honestly.  It stresses me out!  There are too many choices!  

In this case, more is not more. 

One of my "resolutions" is to edit down my wardrobe and define my style.

This decision tree is going to help me, as well as GCOGH.

source

 

Who wants to join me on this quest to rework your wardrobe and define your passion?

What 2012 Taught Me

Back in January, I blogged about my two "New Years Resolutions."

Have a Baby

and

Be a Mom

At the time, I was 4 months pregnant.  

I knew I would be having a baby in 2012.  I knew I would become a mom in 2012. 

So, I kinda cheated.

When Stef at Miss Jo and Co. asked me to guest post about what I learned in 2012, I immediately thought about those two resolutions and how life-changing and humbling they've been for me.

I am an independent person.

And I'm a stubborn person.
I hate asking for help.

But 2012 taught me to ask for help.

I learned that asking for help doesn't meant that I am weak.

It means that I am aware enough to see the limits of what I can do and strong enough to admit that I cannot do everything.

Let me 'splain:

My pregnancy nearly killed me and my kid.

I'm not exaggerating at all (oh, how I wish I was!).

I had hyperemesis while I was pregnant, spent 5 months on bed rest, and was in and out of the hospital at least 4 times a week.

My son was born a month early because my placenta abrupted and I lost a lot of blood, he had hardly any amniotic fluid and was in distress, he was wrapped multiple times in the umbilical cord, and was grey with black hands and feet and not-breathing-or-moving when he was born.

Now, as a mom, everything I thought I knew about motherhood has kind of gone out the window as I realize every day that my kiddo is an individual, with individual needs and challenges.  My "motherhood ideals" were grand generalizations, but what my kid needs is a mother who attends to his individual needs.

I have had to ask for help so many times.

And I've learned that people are so willing to help!

During 2012, I have been overwhelmed with all the help that I've received!

•  My momma and siblings cleaned my house and prepped my nursery 
• Friends brought my husband dinners
• Friends came and kept me company and played games with me while I was on bed rest
• Friends and family picked things up at the grocery store for me
• Friends took my dog so I could have a little quiet time
• Family came and watched J so I could sleep
• Friends calmed my new mom crazies  
• Far away friends and family called and texted regularly
• Family helped me learn to run and motivated me to stay physically active
•  Friends and family spread the word that I was going to be teaching piano and voice
• A friend dropped off bags of formula for J
• A far away friend made and sent me a maternity skirt
• Friends have taught me how to treat a baby's cold
• Family has taught me to trust my mothering instincts

I could easily go on.

When given the opportunity or when asked, people are so happy to help!

2012 taught me that I have so many blessings, but sometimes those blessings come from other people, and sometimes I have to ask for those blessings first.

I have been so blessed by wonderful people who have helped me.  

And I'm so much happier knowing that I don't have to do everything alone.