"Side Effects: Headache...loss of appetite, weight loss..."
Maybe that's why I was a size 4 this summer.
Good-bye 20 pounds! Hello skinny jeans!!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Side Effects
Monday I started my d/a med: Effexor. The first couple days I felt pretty weird, probably because I started right off with the full dose. I also had a crazy bad headache and hardly any appetite. I was looking through the drug information at the side effects thinking that all of these things could be related to the fact that I just started on the drug and my body was still getting used to it.
"Side Effects: Headache...loss of appetite, weight loss..."
Maybe that's why I was a size 4 this summer.
Good-bye 20 pounds! Hello skinny jeans!!
"Side Effects: Headache...loss of appetite, weight loss..."
Maybe that's why I was a size 4 this summer.
Good-bye 20 pounds! Hello skinny jeans!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Observation
Have you ever noticed how people of similar attractiveness hang out with each other? It's true. Watch for it.
You're not cute when your lip liner is several shades darker than your lip color.
You're also not cute when your hair is super ratted. Not cute. I understand wanting to have volume, but at least try and cover it or something!
Not all fashion trends are for everyone.
Communication is a good thing. Gossip is not.
Why are personal struggles often seen as sins?
Why are we afraid of opening up to one another?
Coke = happiness.
Sleep = vital.
When I am tired, I am random.
The end.
You're not cute when your lip liner is several shades darker than your lip color.
You're also not cute when your hair is super ratted. Not cute. I understand wanting to have volume, but at least try and cover it or something!
Not all fashion trends are for everyone.
Communication is a good thing. Gossip is not.
Why are personal struggles often seen as sins?
Why are we afraid of opening up to one another?
Coke = happiness.
Sleep = vital.
When I am tired, I am random.
The end.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Why I'm Not Going to ACTF
I doubt that many people will understand my decision to not attend ACTF this year, especially after paying for it, registering for the class, turning in my excused absence form, signing up to be a van driver, etc. Still, I feel the need to explain my decision to anyone who may be curious.
This last week sucked. Not just like a normal crappy week; it was one of the worst weeks I've had. Nothing terrible happened. It was just not a good week for me mentally or personally or whatever. I lived in anxiety land and generally felt really down. There were several times when I was genuinely frightened for myself.
I still moved forward like I was going to go to ACTF, but never felt really good about it. I didn't know if it was my anxiety or Satan or the Lord, so I just moved forward. I really wanted to go for pride reasons: to say I had gone to ACTF. However, I wouldn't be competing - just going along for the ride. Which could've been cool. But I was the only "director"-type going. The only one not competing. The only one who didn't have to be involved in anything.
Last night, I was kind of freaking out. I had packed and was still moving forward (in fact, my suitcase is in the middle of my living room right now. Completely packed). I had Dustin give me a blessing. In the blessing I was told that everything would be ok, that I would be safe, and Dustin would be safe while I was gone, that there would be people around me, etc. That was ok, but I still didn't feel any peace. So the freakout continued.
Finally, last night, I was in extreme panic mode, thought I was going to throw up because my stomach was all in knots, and sobbing uncontrollably. Dustin sat me down and said, what are the cons of going to ACTF? Some of my answers included: wouldn't be able to grade, wouldn't be able to work, would be away from Dustin (the only one who really understands me and can calm me down when I start to freak out), surrounded by strangers in a strange place (totally anxiety inducing), having to work on other people's schedules (I cannot go to bed after midnight and wake up at 7 and be a functioning person. I need 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Honestly.), with last week being a really terrible week, I honestly feared for what could happen while in California, etc.
Then he had me list the pros: I would be able to support friends, getting out of Provo, and that's it. I looked at the schedule of workshops and realized that there really weren't any that I wanted to attend. I looked at the shows going and none of them were really compelling to me.
So I kneeled down and begged Heavenly Father to give me clarity because I couldn't make this decision. I really was unable to make any decision. I was afraid of the consequences of either decision. And I couldn't visualize myself making either choice.
Nothing really came until I realized that while thinking about going to ACTF my stomach hurt like hell, and while thinking about staying I relaxed and felt peaceful. That's when I realized that I needed to stay and take care of myself. I needed to stay to finish patient assistance stuff so I could go back on meds. I needed to stay and make phone calls to meet with a counselor and take back my life.
I really hate that depression/anxiety damns me. It holds me back. I have to play within it's rules. I can't do too much without feeling exhausted. It's really frustrating to me that I can't just do everything. I want desperately to be involved, to be a cool kid, to have fun with everyone else. But the cost wouldn't be worth it. I am the one I have to spend eternity with. Regardless of anyone else, I will be with myself for eternity. Which means that I better take care of and like myself.
I had Dustin give me another blessing and I was told that I made the better decision. And with that, I went to sleep.
It's difficult to know that people that I really admire are down in California becoming better friends, networking, learning, growing, etc. without me. Really really difficult. However, eternally, I feel like I have made the better decision. I have to make sure my own oil is full before I can give to anyone else. And I'm running on empty currently. So it wouldn't have been any fun for me to be down there.
I also have to keep telling myself that there are so many people who haven't even ever heard of ACTF, so who cares. And so many people I admire who never went to ACTF and are brilliant (like you, Morag).
Also, they had "social" things every night, like dances and crap. No thank you.
And now I get to be here with my husband for Valentines Day. :)
This last week sucked. Not just like a normal crappy week; it was one of the worst weeks I've had. Nothing terrible happened. It was just not a good week for me mentally or personally or whatever. I lived in anxiety land and generally felt really down. There were several times when I was genuinely frightened for myself.
I still moved forward like I was going to go to ACTF, but never felt really good about it. I didn't know if it was my anxiety or Satan or the Lord, so I just moved forward. I really wanted to go for pride reasons: to say I had gone to ACTF. However, I wouldn't be competing - just going along for the ride. Which could've been cool. But I was the only "director"-type going. The only one not competing. The only one who didn't have to be involved in anything.
Last night, I was kind of freaking out. I had packed and was still moving forward (in fact, my suitcase is in the middle of my living room right now. Completely packed). I had Dustin give me a blessing. In the blessing I was told that everything would be ok, that I would be safe, and Dustin would be safe while I was gone, that there would be people around me, etc. That was ok, but I still didn't feel any peace. So the freakout continued.
Finally, last night, I was in extreme panic mode, thought I was going to throw up because my stomach was all in knots, and sobbing uncontrollably. Dustin sat me down and said, what are the cons of going to ACTF? Some of my answers included: wouldn't be able to grade, wouldn't be able to work, would be away from Dustin (the only one who really understands me and can calm me down when I start to freak out), surrounded by strangers in a strange place (totally anxiety inducing), having to work on other people's schedules (I cannot go to bed after midnight and wake up at 7 and be a functioning person. I need 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Honestly.), with last week being a really terrible week, I honestly feared for what could happen while in California, etc.
Then he had me list the pros: I would be able to support friends, getting out of Provo, and that's it. I looked at the schedule of workshops and realized that there really weren't any that I wanted to attend. I looked at the shows going and none of them were really compelling to me.
So I kneeled down and begged Heavenly Father to give me clarity because I couldn't make this decision. I really was unable to make any decision. I was afraid of the consequences of either decision. And I couldn't visualize myself making either choice.
Nothing really came until I realized that while thinking about going to ACTF my stomach hurt like hell, and while thinking about staying I relaxed and felt peaceful. That's when I realized that I needed to stay and take care of myself. I needed to stay to finish patient assistance stuff so I could go back on meds. I needed to stay and make phone calls to meet with a counselor and take back my life.
I really hate that depression/anxiety damns me. It holds me back. I have to play within it's rules. I can't do too much without feeling exhausted. It's really frustrating to me that I can't just do everything. I want desperately to be involved, to be a cool kid, to have fun with everyone else. But the cost wouldn't be worth it. I am the one I have to spend eternity with. Regardless of anyone else, I will be with myself for eternity. Which means that I better take care of and like myself.
I had Dustin give me another blessing and I was told that I made the better decision. And with that, I went to sleep.
It's difficult to know that people that I really admire are down in California becoming better friends, networking, learning, growing, etc. without me. Really really difficult. However, eternally, I feel like I have made the better decision. I have to make sure my own oil is full before I can give to anyone else. And I'm running on empty currently. So it wouldn't have been any fun for me to be down there.
I also have to keep telling myself that there are so many people who haven't even ever heard of ACTF, so who cares. And so many people I admire who never went to ACTF and are brilliant (like you, Morag).
Also, they had "social" things every night, like dances and crap. No thank you.
And now I get to be here with my husband for Valentines Day. :)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Curse Words
I"m in class right now and I raised my hand and made a comment and a classmate said that I was mean. I'm so effing blue (people pleaser) that I immediately shut down, ended my comment, and decided I'm never making a comment in this class again. And this same student, just moments before, had said what a safe environment this classroom was.
Wrong.
I hate this class.
Wrong.
I hate this class.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A Blessing of Being Poor
D and I definitely fall under the "poor married student" category. For the most part, it's miserable. I mean, we eat fine and have clothes to wear, but we have no car, minimal savings etc.
But today, I found a blessing of being poor: patient assistance!!
Hormonal birth control makes me soooo sick. (My doctor told me that being pregnant will suck for me. That's great encouragement.) I haven't been on birth control for at least 6 months because I don't really enjoy being sick. No, I'm not pregnant. Put that out of your head right now. I went to see the doc about other alternatives to hormonal birth control and he told me about a copper IUD. I don't have to have been pregnant to have an IUD, which was news to me. And, while it's not covered under BYU health insurance, the company that makes it offers patient assistance! Horrah!!
We also qualify for patient assistance for my anxiety/depression meds (as in, we wouldn't have to pay anything at all), which is the hugest blessing in the world! $100+ a month is a bit ridiculous. I want to function like myself again, but the price tag was ridiculous until this afternoon when I found out we qualified! And I can get back on as soon as Friday!
Today, I'm ok with being poor. :)
But today, I found a blessing of being poor: patient assistance!!
Hormonal birth control makes me soooo sick. (My doctor told me that being pregnant will suck for me. That's great encouragement.) I haven't been on birth control for at least 6 months because I don't really enjoy being sick. No, I'm not pregnant. Put that out of your head right now. I went to see the doc about other alternatives to hormonal birth control and he told me about a copper IUD. I don't have to have been pregnant to have an IUD, which was news to me. And, while it's not covered under BYU health insurance, the company that makes it offers patient assistance! Horrah!!
We also qualify for patient assistance for my anxiety/depression meds (as in, we wouldn't have to pay anything at all), which is the hugest blessing in the world! $100+ a month is a bit ridiculous. I want to function like myself again, but the price tag was ridiculous until this afternoon when I found out we qualified! And I can get back on as soon as Friday!
Today, I'm ok with being poor. :)
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