reaction

i immediately want to delete that previous post.  the second i hit publish post i wanted to erase it.  make it not exist.  and yet i'm letting it be...

goodness, what will be the repercussions?

dancing around

I read other people's blogs and I'm inspired with what this blog could be.

It's not that I don't have anything to say.  Quite the opposite actually.  I'm just scared to say it.  Scared to put myself out there and be vulnerable.  What if you don't love me anymore?

Isn't that sad that I feel like I have so much to lose if I'm honest?  It's not that I lie, it's more that I'm really good at dancing around things.  Dressing them up to be funny or silly.    Or painting them away like they don't exist at all.

And now that I'm confronted with the opportunity to be open and honest, I go into flight mode.  Why did I make this blog public again?  Why do I let you all read it?  

Because I love you intensely.  And maybe I'm hoping that through this, I can feel some of that love for myself.  Maybe realize I'm not so completely insane.  Or different.  Or alone.

Funny that I should feel alone still when I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost two years.  I love him dearly.  And I still don't completely trust his love for me.

That's my problem - trust.  I'm not sure how to learn how to do it again.  I used to know how.  And that left me used, broken, etc.  I'm scared that if I trust anyone or anything I'll just be hurt again. 

So I keep distance.  Remain guarded. 

I want do desperately to be loved.  

What a paradox.  I want to be loved but I cannot trust.

Oy.

I have a story to tell.  Someday it will come out and I feel that day is very soon.  I'm afraid of that day.  I'm afraid to lay that story at someone's feet.  Bits and pieces have escaped over the years.  They always cause a break down of sorts.  But I can feel the whole story bubbling up inside of me.  And I feel it's almost time for it to come out.

Please, God, let there be healing.  

It's not a happy story, but I it can lead somewhere happy.  Like peace.

Why is forgiveness so difficult?  I prayed to be able to forgive someone.  It's a prayer I should've said a long time ago.  Those words though, "Dear God, please forgive _______.  Please help me to forgive him" were some of the hardest words I have ever uttered in my life.  Even now, writing them, my heart is pounding.  And then there's self forgiveness.  It's illusive for me - I can never seem to grasp it.  How can I forgive myself when I should've known better?  Should've been better?  But how can I find peace if I cannot give and find forgiveness?

Trust, right?

This is turning into something I didn't intend it to at the start.

Is that ok?

I'm afraid to take that step, to begin the work that I know it will take to find and give healing and peace and forgiveness.  I don't want to be disappointed.  I know God never disappoints, but humans do and I am only human after all.

The clock is ticking...  

I hate coming up with titles for my posts.  

I'm started working on another show.  Standing Still Standing.  By Mel.  We've worked together before and it was awesome.  So we're doing it again.  I've done a lot of my pre-production work.  I've been working a lot on advertising and marketing as well.

And today I find myself asking, "why am I doing this?"

I don't have an answer.

I mean, I know why I'm doing the show.  "This" is more broad than just the show.  It's "this" as in directing, as in theatre.  Why am I doing it?

Maybe I'm asking this question and not finding an answer because I'm in performance of a show that is killing my soul.  

Whatever the reason may be, it's not making me optimistic about Standing.

Silly

I was thinking about how silly it was to have an un-censored blog for myself that I chose to censor by making private.  Kind of negates the purpose of the blog...  

So, I'm making this blog public again.  If someone doesn't like what I have to say, then I'm sorry.  I hope you can look past my opinions and still love me.  :D  

The end. 

Things I Should Be Doing

Things I Should Be Doing Right Now Instead of Blogging:

• folding clothes 
• finishing the dishes
• vacuuming
• writing thank you notes from graduation
• figuring out meals for the week
• cleaning the bedroom

Not a huge list, but a list to be avoided nonetheless!  :)

I missed the memo!

Here's the memo I missed, in case you all missed it too.  

Attention Married Females,

Upon your graduation from BYU, get pregnant.  

You may also get pregnant any time prior to your graduation, but all married female graduates from BYU by or shortly thereafter graduation (exception is if you already have a child).  

Whoops!  My bad!  

Ok, but in all seriousness, it seems like all of my married female friends are pregnant!  And I just graduated, as did many of my now married female friends from freshman year.  Guess what? - they're pregnant.  As are the other females I've met through my time at BYU who have gotten married and graduated.  Every other status update I read from my married female 'friends' on facebook is about how they're pregnant.  One of my students this last semester (he was a grad student and like 15 years older than me, but I was his TA nonetheless) told me that I was graduating and it would be a good time to get pregnant.  WHAT!?  I looked around at church this Sunday and there were a zillion (only a slight exaggeration) pregnant women or women who just had babies.  There were even several who had babies and were pregnant again! 

I know I shouldn't care - when I have a baby it will be a decision made between me, my husband and the Lord...and will be several years from now - but seeing all of these women pregnant kinda weirds me out a little.  Ok, a lot.

Maybe this is why I hang out with non-married people.