Why I'm Not Going to ACTF

I doubt that many people will understand my decision to not attend ACTF this year, especially after paying for it, registering for the class, turning in my excused absence form, signing up to be a van driver, etc. Still, I feel the need to explain my decision to anyone who may be curious.

This last week sucked. Not just like a normal crappy week; it was one of the worst weeks I've had. Nothing terrible happened. It was just not a good week for me mentally or personally or whatever. I lived in anxiety land and generally felt really down. There were several times when I was genuinely frightened for myself.

I still moved forward like I was going to go to ACTF, but never felt really good about it. I didn't know if it was my anxiety or Satan or the Lord, so I just moved forward. I really wanted to go for pride reasons: to say I had gone to ACTF. However, I wouldn't be competing - just going along for the ride. Which could've been cool. But I was the only "director"-type going. The only one not competing. The only one who didn't have to be involved in anything.

Last night, I was kind of freaking out. I had packed and was still moving forward (in fact, my suitcase is in the middle of my living room right now. Completely packed). I had Dustin give me a blessing. In the blessing I was told that everything would be ok, that I would be safe, and Dustin would be safe while I was gone, that there would be people around me, etc. That was ok, but I still didn't feel any peace. So the freakout continued.

Finally, last night, I was in extreme panic mode, thought I was going to throw up because my stomach was all in knots, and sobbing uncontrollably. Dustin sat me down and said, what are the cons of going to ACTF? Some of my answers included: wouldn't be able to grade, wouldn't be able to work, would be away from Dustin (the only one who really understands me and can calm me down when I start to freak out), surrounded by strangers in a strange place (totally anxiety inducing), having to work on other people's schedules (I cannot go to bed after midnight and wake up at 7 and be a functioning person. I need 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Honestly.), with last week being a really terrible week, I honestly feared for what could happen while in California, etc.

Then he had me list the pros: I would be able to support friends, getting out of Provo, and that's it. I looked at the schedule of workshops and realized that there really weren't any that I wanted to attend. I looked at the shows going and none of them were really compelling to me.

So I kneeled down and begged Heavenly Father to give me clarity because I couldn't make this decision. I really was unable to make any decision. I was afraid of the consequences of either decision. And I couldn't visualize myself making either choice.

Nothing really came until I realized that while thinking about going to ACTF my stomach hurt like hell, and while thinking about staying I relaxed and felt peaceful. That's when I realized that I needed to stay and take care of myself. I needed to stay to finish patient assistance stuff so I could go back on meds. I needed to stay and make phone calls to meet with a counselor and take back my life.

I really hate that depression/anxiety damns me. It holds me back. I have to play within it's rules. I can't do too much without feeling exhausted. It's really frustrating to me that I can't just do everything. I want desperately to be involved, to be a cool kid, to have fun with everyone else. But the cost wouldn't be worth it. I am the one I have to spend eternity with. Regardless of anyone else, I will be with myself for eternity. Which means that I better take care of and like myself.

I had Dustin give me another blessing and I was told that I made the better decision. And with that, I went to sleep.

It's difficult to know that people that I really admire are down in California becoming better friends, networking, learning, growing, etc. without me. Really really difficult. However, eternally, I feel like I have made the better decision. I have to make sure my own oil is full before I can give to anyone else. And I'm running on empty currently. So it wouldn't have been any fun for me to be down there.

I also have to keep telling myself that there are so many people who haven't even ever heard of ACTF, so who cares. And so many people I admire who never went to ACTF and are brilliant (like you, Morag).

Also, they had "social" things every night, like dances and crap. No thank you.

And now I get to be here with my husband for Valentines Day. :)