It's not that I don't have anything to say. Quite the opposite actually. I'm just scared to say it. Scared to put myself out there and be vulnerable. What if you don't love me anymore?
Isn't that sad that I feel like I have so much to lose if I'm honest? It's not that I lie, it's more that I'm really good at dancing around things. Dressing them up to be funny or silly. Or painting them away like they don't exist at all.
And now that I'm confronted with the opportunity to be open and honest, I go into flight mode. Why did I make this blog public again? Why do I let you all read it?
Because I love you intensely. And maybe I'm hoping that through this, I can feel some of that love for myself. Maybe realize I'm not so completely insane. Or different. Or alone.
Funny that I should feel alone still when I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost two years. I love him dearly. And I still don't completely trust his love for me.
That's my problem - trust. I'm not sure how to learn how to do it again. I used to know how. And that left me used, broken, etc. I'm scared that if I trust anyone or anything I'll just be hurt again.
So I keep distance. Remain guarded.
I want do desperately to be loved.
What a paradox. I want to be loved but I cannot trust.
Oy.
I have a story to tell. Someday it will come out and I feel that day is very soon. I'm afraid of that day. I'm afraid to lay that story at someone's feet. Bits and pieces have escaped over the years. They always cause a break down of sorts. But I can feel the whole story bubbling up inside of me. And I feel it's almost time for it to come out.
Please, God, let there be healing.
It's not a happy story, but I it can lead somewhere happy. Like peace.
Why is forgiveness so difficult? I prayed to be able to forgive someone. It's a prayer I should've said a long time ago. Those words though, "Dear God, please forgive _______. Please help me to forgive him" were some of the hardest words I have ever uttered in my life. Even now, writing them, my heart is pounding. And then there's self forgiveness. It's illusive for me - I can never seem to grasp it. How can I forgive myself when I should've known better? Should've been better? But how can I find peace if I cannot give and find forgiveness?
Trust, right?
This is turning into something I didn't intend it to at the start.
Is that ok?
I'm afraid to take that step, to begin the work that I know it will take to find and give healing and peace and forgiveness. I don't want to be disappointed. I know God never disappoints, but humans do and I am only human after all.
The clock is ticking...
Landon, the people that love you are going to love you no matter what you have to say. And truth be told, even if you say something that someone doesn't like and they choose to be hurt or offended by it, that isn't your fault. Brigham Young said that if you have been offended, you need to repent. This idea that we have to be guarded in what we say to avoid hurting others is really kind of silly, because no matter what we have to say SOMEONE is going to find a way to twist it into something they don't like. So it's almost pointless to be so careful. We can be courteous in what we say, but we really don't need to worry about how someone interprets our thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTrust is something that can take a very, very long time to gain. It grows over long periods of time. I'm sure if you would be able to quantify the amount of trust you felt for D two years ago and compare it against what you feel now that today it would be much stronger; you just don't feel the change as it occurs over time. And that will continue to grow. So don't compare where you think you ought to be with where you are now. That will come with time. You have a lot of time and all of eternity together to completely become one.
Landon, you are an amazing woman, and I know that I and many others have a great deal of love for you. You have a huge heart with amazing compassion, and that makes it easy for others to care about you. Even the very words of this blog post just send the point right home that you are someone very special.
I'm not trying to push you into saying anything here that you don't want to say, but just hoping that you'll know that those of us that stick by you will stick by you no matter what.
I wish I had words of wisdom like this comment before me, but I just wanted to say that what you're feeling is NORMAL. Don't feel like you're the only one, because so many people are in your same boat...it's just hard to know that because, like you said, few have the courage to talk about it. You are one of the bravest people I know, and I would encourage you to tell your story, even if that means writing it down or recording it on a video or something. Publish it someday if you want, but publish it for yourself first. I promise you will feel so much better.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great person!! Never stop being you!