Thoughts

There's a lot on my mind right now, which is not surprising. This is how it seems to go every night right around the time I want to go to sleep. My mind kicks into overdrive and I can't seem to make it stop and so I stay awake for hours, jealous of my peacefully sleeping husband. Sometimes (don't tell on me - this is bad) I wake him up out of spite.

Does anyone else out there with d/a have problems with memory? Sometimes I can't remember things that I should know. And sometimes I can't tell the difference between real facts in my head and my imagination or dreams. I'll start to tell someone something totally believing it to be true and real and realize that I'm making it up or it was something from one of my dreams. I also have a hard time remembering what I was in the middle of doing. For example: tonight D and I were playing Ligretto with some friends and I called Ligretto in the middle of the hand with more than half of my pile left. But I totally thought I had Ligretto, I had just forgotten what I was doing. It's like reality mixes with imaginary too often in my head and so I can't tell always what's real and what's fake anymore. And I always can't remember how to differentiate between the two. Does anyone else deal with these memory things?

I don't know if this is d/a related or just a weird quirk I have, but after social interactions, I sit and think about all of the things I said or did and fixate. Did I say or do something wrong? Was I too excited? Too calm? Did I do everything right? What are these people thinking about me now? Will they still like me? Will we hang out again? (Usually I get my hopes up and then we never see people [read: couples] again and I feel like it's my fault, like I said or did something wrong.) Tonight, my brain is going crazy with those, and other similar questions. In the moment, I love being with friends. I feel like I'm having fun. It's just after the fact that I go crazy and analyze every move I made or didn't make or should've made or whatever.

I bought a wii fit today. D made me. And I'm grateful. I got a check in the mail for my birthday from D's grandma. When I get $ for birthdays or Christmas or whatever, I see it as $, not as a gift. So immediately I started thinking about buying groceries or paying for something we needed. D had to sit me down and tell me that if grandma could've, she would've sent me a gift and I couldn't use that gift to buy groceries so I can't use this one for that either. He took me up to campus and bought me a wii fit. See, I bought a wii back in March for the purpose of buying a wii fit to go with it. I'm the heaviest I've ever been before in my life. And I don't like it. At all. I don't like the way clothes fit (or don't), how I feel or anything. So I wanted a wii fit. And now I have one. And I tried it out today and I really liked it! I think it will be the push I need into a more active life-style so that I can be healthier and live longer and blah blah blah [aka - not be so fat!].

Here's the deal though: I'm secretly terrified that we're going to end up needing that $ soon and we won't have it because I bought a wii fit.

I hate money.

My show isn't selling as well as I hoped. I mean, we have people in the audience each night so that's good. But I was hoping for bigger houses. More people. It's a little discouraging when only 40 people come to see your show a night. And because this show has been my job since June, I want people to come see what I've worked so hard on!

And I'm still worried that this is the best it'll ever be.