And I am dreading going.
Which is actually kind of funny because the last two weeks of church have been pretty great. The greatness was completely unexpected. And one of those weeks at church was in Jackson Hole.
Regardless, I am not wanting to go to church at all tomorrow. I don't want to see the happy, pretty faces of the people in my ward. I don't want to hear them talking about how great their holiday weekends were. I don't even want to hear (and this is really terrible of me) how much they love the gospel. It's not that I doubt their convictions, or mine, or anything. I just feel guilty because I don't feel things the same way that they do. In fact, lately, I'm not feeling much of anything. Except for stress and anxiety.
I don't want to go to church and feel guilty for not feeling happy and pretty and like a rockstar. I know I should want to go. And I want to want to go.
I just don't want to pretend to be happy and pretty like the rest of my ward seems to be. It's too much work and I'm just not feeling up to it.
Sometimes I feel so cynical at church, like I just want to roll my eyes at the talks in sacrament meeting and at the comments made in Sunday School. I hate those days. I try to avoid those negative experiences by going to church prepared: I get ready earlier for church (9 a.m. sounds pretty early to me, though!) and then spend some time right before I leave studying scriptures and praying. After that, I feel like I'm more "in the mood" to be spiritually fed. I hope you can make it through all three hours today.
ReplyDelete[Sorry if you just wanted to vent and wasn't expecting anyone to say "I know how you feel." I know that you have different trials that may make the situation totally different from what I deal with.]
I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I don't. I just wanted you to know instead that you are NOT the only one and I often times feel the exact same way. Helpful? Probably not. But just remember you have a similar friend in me.
ReplyDeleteThis is like my life story. Friends of mine think I'm inactive, but really it's hard to get up every day of my life.
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