D/A

It never ceases to amaze me how my D/A (depression/anxiety) symptoms follow me everywhere.  Even when I'm feeling like things are kind of emotionally under control, physically D/A rock my body.

Today I was feeling really dizzy.  Actually, I have been feeling really dizzy on and off for several days now.  So, like any responsible person, I turned to the internet - webmd.com.  And, of course, one of the causes of my dizziness could be anxiety.  And why wouldn't it be?  I mean, I only started working in my store for reals this week, with my own cash, keys, codes and everything.  No big deal, right?  (HA!)  

I remember being so astonished when I was first diagnosed with d/a and the doctor handed me a loooooong list of symptoms associated with both.  Suddenly I didn't feel like there were a million things wrong with me.  Just two big things.  :)  The stomach aches, headaches, random tingling of feet and hands, trouble sleeping, changes in weight and appetite, short attention span (that I didn't have all through my public schooling years), could all be tied to d/a.  And, treating the d/a would also treat all the other symptoms!   Too bad I fell off of that "treatment wagon"...

Emotionally, I'm feeling ok.  Granted, ok isn't the best, but it's not the worst either so I'm content.  I get up in the morning.  I go to work and am nice to people.  I haven't had any major break downs lately.  Just a general low and stressed feeling.  I mean, going to work is hard.  Sometimes I wonder if I can do it or if it's the right thing to do at all.  But there are blessings.  And I'm grateful for them.  I do hope someday to not be just ok though.  I would love to be good.  Or even great.

I sometimes think about how ironic it is that I can be an extrovert (meaning I am energized by being around other people, talking with them, etc.) but experience extreme anxiety in large groups of people.  

I also sometimes think about how I would like to get "help" (I hate putting it that way...).  I would like someone to help me work through things in my past that are still holding me down (mostly my relationship with jerk-face).  But, I don't know if I can make the commitment.  Or be open and trusting enough.  I have so many doubts.  

Maybe I'll like the doctors out here better than the doctors in Utah.  Maybe things will be better this time.  Maybe it's time to get back on the "treatment wagon."