I think I'm emotionally constipated because, lately, I've been struggling to feel anything more than anxiety.
Other feelings are present, but they're just below the surface, floating around, muted, unreachable and unnameable.
I'm a communicator. And it's been really difficult for me to not be able to communicate how I'm feeling. It's unsettling, actually.
Sure, there are happy moments. Many of them. And generally speaking, I am happy. I love my days with J - playing at home, or running errands, watching him learn and grow and discover. I spend much of my time with him laughing and smiling. And I love and have fun teaching piano and voice. And I love the time I get to spend with D.
But underneath...
I wish I could articulate it better!
All I can articulate is anxiety. It is the omnipresent feeling. And it's not even that I'm feeling a lot of anxiety (well, no more than usual), but it's the only feeling I can actually name with certainty.
I'm worried that sometime, in the very near future, the dam is going to break and all of these unreachable and unnameable feelings are going to come rushing to the surface and I'll be a hot mess for several days.
Ok, honestly, that's not really what's worrying me. Because I know it's going to happen. What I'm really worried about is that it's going to happen at an inconvenient time. Like while I'm teaching. Or while D is at work. Or when my mom is unreachable via phone.
I spent last night trying to coax myself into crying or raging or emoting anything because I have an unbooked weekend (what?! Don't tell anyone - they'll ask me to do stuff).
It didn't work.
I need an emotional laxative.
I'm worried that sometime, in the very near future, the dam is going to break and all of these unreachable and unnameable feelings are going to come rushing to the surface and I'll be a hot mess for several days.
Ok, honestly, that's not really what's worrying me. Because I know it's going to happen. What I'm really worried about is that it's going to happen at an inconvenient time. Like while I'm teaching. Or while D is at work. Or when my mom is unreachable via phone.
I spent last night trying to coax myself into crying or raging or emoting anything because I have an unbooked weekend (what?! Don't tell anyone - they'll ask me to do stuff).
It didn't work.
I need an emotional laxative.
I don't normally struggle with feelings of anxiety, which is actually unusual in the realm of my family genetics. However, in my little over a week postpartum state... Well, lets just say I've not been my self. Reading this post, I could have written it myself. Thanks for your honesty. In trying to figure out how to deal as my hormones try to balance out, talking or reading about other women's struggles with anxiety (certainly more profound and long lasting than my recent encounter with it) have really helped me name what it is I'm feeling.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how much more power you feel when you can NAME what it is you're feeling?? I feel like I have so much more control when I can articulate what's going on, emotionally.
DeleteCongratulations, on your new little one Kirsten!
Have you tried meditating? It's like...super tough. At least for me. But the times I've taken the time to just sit and focus on myself, my mind, and my body, I've really come in better touch with my emotions. I know what you're talking about, though! Sometimes you feel one overwhelming emotion and it crowds out everything else.
ReplyDeleteI hope you start feeling better! (Or that the emotions don't hit at the wrong time) Let's hang out before we leave, ok?
Great suggestion, Stef! I have tried mediating but I don't stick with it for more than a couple days - I totally should.
DeleteWhen do you guys leave? We definitely need to hang out before you move!!