Marriage Is About US

I don't know how many of you have seen the article that has gone viral titled "Marriage Isn't For You."

The author states that marriage isn't all about you, or asking, "what's in it for me?".  Rather, it's about making the other person happy, and putting your partner's needs first.

Ok, that makes sense.

But he goes so far as to say, "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. ... Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married."

And now, my response.

Growing up, I had been taught that marriage should be about being equals, and that's what I looked for in a man - a best friend, a partner, an equal.  When I fell in love with D, I found all of that.  But when we got married, I was broken in many ways as a result of some really awful relationships.  D saw past the broken-ness and loved me anyway.  And when we were first married, it felt like D made our marriage very much about me for the first few years.  While he saved me, carried me on my darkest days, and helped to make me whole again, I was frustrated. I felt like things were out of balance!  I felt like I was being selfish, letting D love and focus on me, and accepting his love and focus. I unselfishly wanted to equal his efforts and put my all making him happy, and tend to his needs the way he tended to mine. I wanted to be the awesome wife who put all her ambition and drive into loving her husband, because that's what I thought I should be doing in order to equal D's love.  I would inevitably fail.  And then I would cry and beat myself up for being so selfish and letting our marriage be about me and not him.

I remember crying in his arms many times, apologizing for being so weak and useless, so unable to do as much for him as he was doing for me.  I cried about us not being "equally yolked" with both of us pulling our fair share of the weight in our marriage. He gently, but firmly, reminded me every time, "L, you are doing the best you can do.  You are giving your all.  Someday, you'll be able to give more.  And maybe someday I'll won't be able to give as much.  It's not about who can pull more, it's about us pulling together and doing the best each of us can do."

Which brought me to the realization.

Marriage isn't about me.

Marriage isn't about D.

Marriage is about us.

 When we are each giving all we can (not each giving 50% to add to 100%, but both giving our full 100%), then we have a successful marriage.

In our six years of marriage, I can remember times when things were rough.  It was because one (or both) of us had stopped giving 100%.  We had made the marriage too much about one individual and not enough about us.  We have learned that we need time together as a couple to communicate, laugh, and work together.  We each need to give all we have.  

We also need to be aware of ourselves.  We can't push ourselves to do more or give more than we're capable of doing.  I have realized that I have some very clear limitations.  But there are also some areas I'm able to do more in on any given day (aka - some days I can make dinner. and some days I can't).  And that's ok!  Recognize what you can give, and then do it!  Don't hold anything back, but don't beat yourself up for not being able to do more!

My marriage easily the best part of my life.  D is my equal, partner and best friend in every way.  Our marriage is a team effort.  And I'm grateful to have a marriage that is about us.