Worth

Which one of these is worth more?

You can buy a swig at McD's with either one.

You can deposit either one into your bank account (trust me, I've worked at 2 banks).

Someone who doesn't have any would be happy with either one.

You'd pick up either one if you found it on the street.

Sure, they look different from each other. 

The top one is crisp and clean.

The bottom one is dirty and wrinkled.

But, they are of equivalent worth. 

Ok, so let's apply this to people.

We all look different. 

Some are short, some are tall.

Some are fat, some are skinny.

Some are boys some are girls.

Some are young some are old.

But, to God, we are all of equivalent worth.

He doesn't love the tall more than the short.

He doesn't love the young more than the old.

He doesn't love the skinny more than the fat.

He doesn't love the boys more than the girls.

So, why do we?

I have spent my entire life feeling like I'm worthless because I'm not as pretty as others.  Or I'm not as skinny.  Or as talented.  Or as tall.  Or as funny.  Or as well dressed.  Or as crafty.  Or as reproductively capable.  Or as rich.  Or as fit.  Or as whatever.

And it has hurt.

I have spent so much time crying, sobbing, because I didn't feel like I was worth as much.

I have skipped auditions.  I have not volunteered.  I have kept my mouth shut.  I have withheld food.  I have over-spent.  I have tried new make up, new clothes, new hair styles and colors.  I have not prayed.  I have hidden.

All because I felt that I wasn't worth enough as someone else.

I struggle with it.  

Almost daily.

Why?

I've read a couple blogs this week.  One by my friend Stephanie and one by my friend Meg about very similar topics.  I've also spent some time at Anonymous8.

And I know I'm not alone in my feelings.

Sarah at Anonymous8 wrote this:

"The only difference between those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and those who don’t is this:  those who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they are WORTHY of love and belonging."

I know there's not a switch I can flip overnight to make myself believe that I have worth.  Especially because I have spent years believing that I am worth less than anyone else.

But, somewhere in my brain I know that I have worth.  My heart doesn't feel or believe it.  Yet.

I have to re-learn that I have worth.  Inherit worth.  Just like the dollar bills.  

I may look different.  I may act different.  But those differences don't change my worth.

I'm going to start my worth re-education.  

I'm going to start by thanking Heavenly Father every morning for being who I am.  I'm going to thank him for being short, being female, being the weight I am, having blue eyes, having crazy-out-of-control-hair, having all the clothes that I do in my closet, etc.  I'm going to thank Heavenly Father for making me the way He did and giving me what He did.

And then, I'm going to have some compassion.  I'm going to be a little nicer to myself and others.   I'm going to offer forgiveness for shortcomings.  I'm going to say kind things to myself and to others.  I'm going to seek the good in myself and in others.

It's not much, but it's a start.  

And I have to start somewhere.  

And where ever I start from, it's better than not starting at all.