Adoption

We went to a regional adoption awareness fireside tonight.

I've known I wanted to adopt for a really long time (like since around the third grade). D was adopted and knew that someday he wanted to give someone else the same opportunity that he was given through adoption. So it was never really a topic of debate or anything for us.

Fast-forward to a few months ago. (I'm pretty sure it was when we went through the temple with A before she went on her mission.) I suddenly knew that we would be adopting in the near future. Near is, of course, relative. But it all became very real and immediate for me. It would actually happen. We would actually adopt. Not 25 years from now, but soon.

Then we moved. Everything got jostled around in our lives. We were both trying to find jobs, living in a home-sweet-trailerhome. Life was crazy. But then a notice for the adoption fireside thing showed up in our program one Sunday about a month ago. I pointed it out to D and we decided to go.

So we went tonight. And I was nervous because it was a regional thing and who is going to be there and we'll probably be the youngest ones and this is crazy for us to be going when we won't be adopting for a while anyway and why did we think this was a good idea.

It was wonderful. It reinforced the feelings I had that we are supposed to adopt and soon.

However, it also raised some anxiety for me. There are a lot of things that we have to do before we can adopt. D needs a real job (aka to get hired at a fire department). I need to forgive douche-bag. I need to get help for d/a. We need to live in a real home-sweet-home. And we should probably have some money saved. (And a car.)

And I have questions and confusion. When will D get hired? How does grad school fit in to all this? What about finding a real home-sweet-home? How does it all work together? What is the timeline?

I had an epiphanies tonight too. I'm terrified to get pregnant because I'm afraid of losing control. I'm afraid of what being pregnant would to do me physically (the morning sickness and cravings - not so much the getting huge part) and emotionally. I already go through hell with d/a. I don't know what the hormones of pregnancy would do to me. If birth control is any comparison, pregnancy will be hell times 7 billion (we almost broke off our engagement because I was such a crazylady while on birth control). And after giving birth, I'm afraid of the post-partum. There are days that are pitch black anyway - what would post-partum do to me? D/a is such a horrible thing that I would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy, but it's hereditary. And if I gave my child who I love d/a, I think it would kill me.

But, when N had a baby a year ago (ish), the second I held that sweet baby boy I fell in love. I know that if someone were to hand me a baby and say, "here's a kid and he's yours!" I would love him instantly.

So, pretty sure our first child will be adopted. And pretty sure that I have a longer "to-do" list than I thought before tonight. And the "to-do" list is harder than I thought before tonight (call AT&T v. forgive douche-bag...yeah. New "to-do" list is way harder). But here's to taking the first step forward.