Then Sings My Soul

Still on a roller coaster and it doesn't seem like it will be ending soon. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing yet.

Anyway.

Tonight was a super productive night thanks to the influence of a good friend (Thanks D). I emailed 4 theatres in the area, updated my resume, cleaned some, took a nap (ha, I don't know if that counts as being productive, but I haven't been sleeping well lately and the nap felt really good and definitely cleared my head some), read scriptures and spend some time pondering.

Here is my conclusion. Every action has a consequence. However, we can't keep a tally of good things that we do, like points, and then redeem them for the blessing we want when we want them. When we're good, God blesses us, yes. But He sees so far past the "big picture" we think we see.

Example, my in-laws waited years to adopt D. They wanted him right when they put in their application, of course. They had the money all saved and just waited and waited. Finally, my MIL said, "it's never going to happen!" and took the money and went out and bought a living room set (I think). Shortly after, they got a call that a baby boy was available to adopt (my D). Had my in-laws adopted a baby boy right when they wanted, D would never have come to their family, he and I never would have met, and our eternal family would not exist at all. Think of the generations affected by just the few years my in-laws waited. And the were doing good things, being good people. But God sees such a bigger picture.

I was thinking about this because my mom and I were talking last week about my frustrations with where we are in life (graduated, living in a home-sweet-trailerhome, working a part-time entry level job, no openings for husband's career, etc.) and my mom brought up the point that sometimes there isn't more we can do. We can't earn blessings like we earn a pay check (put in 5 hours of service and 2 hours of scripture study and you've got yourself a promotion or new job or whatever).

I was reading in 1 Nephi (don't judge) about how Lehi did everything right, had visions and dreams, prophesied to the Jews, and the consequences were that the Jews wanted to kill him. That doesn't seem like the consequence Lehi earned! I mean, he was doing way super good things! But if the Jews hadn't wanted to kill Lehi, he never would've left Jerusalem with his family and take them to the Promised Land. Again, think of the generations affected! Super big picture here!

Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. There are consequences for everything that we do. However, sometimes blessings come in disguise or with different timing. That doesn't mean they're not there. And that doesn't mean that we should stop doing good things and just wait for God to bless us whenever He feels like it. Some blessings do come just because we are His children. Some blessings are given because we are doing right things. Sometimes they're not the blessing we think we want. Sometimes we have to wait years, and then look back and see the blessings. Sometimes we just have to open our eyes. But God does love us and does bless us.

I have to adjust my thinking. I think a lot of it is pride. I think that I do things all on my own, or that I have to earn things all on my own. God didn't send us to earth with the idea that we would do this all on our own. Yes, this is a probation period. But it's not like the Atonement is available to us only after we've perfected ourselves - it's meant for imperfect people to use, in their imperfections. Yes, we are meant to work and "do all we can do." But we're supposed to work and "do all we can do" alongside with God. Not a "my part and then your part" business. This life is supposed to be teamwork.

So yes, this week has been a roller coaster. This day itself has been a roller coaster. And it's after midnight and I'm home alone because D has his first volunteer firefighting shift. Normally I hate being alone, especially at night, but I feel so much clarity of thought right now, it's a little bananas. I don't have any answers. I don't know what our next steps are going to be. But, finally, for the first time in a really long time, I feel peace.

And it feels so good.