Thoughts

Often my posts are silly and consist of things that I think of randomly.

This one is not so silly or random.  If that turns you off, whatev.  Sucks to be you then I guess?  You can always not read this post.  :)

I have a theatre blog where I [not so faithfully] write about my theatrical experiences.  While this post is coming from an experience I had while reading a play, it does not belong on that blog.  It belongs here.

Tonight, I read Well by Lisa Kron (thank you Dave!).  This monologue, from Well, was incredibly moving to me:

Kay: It's not fair.  I don't want to be sick.  My sister is cleaning my house for me, getting my safe room ready.  She is good to me, but I can't help it... I'm ANGRY.  I'm SO ANGRY, LISA.  I know she thinks if she were me she'd be better, but do you know what the problem is with being sick.  It's that you're sick.  People who are healthy think they know how you could get better, because when they imagine what your life is like they imagine having your sickness on top of their health.  They imagine the sick people have all the resources they do and they're just not trying hard enough.  But we don't.  I don't.  I know my sister is only trying to help me, but I can't help it.  I think, You suffer for just one day the way I do.  I want you to feel like this for just one day.  Then you tell me how to get better.  

I have had depression honestly for as long as I can remember.  I don't just mean I get the blues once in a while, I mean it's this on-going thing that I just cannot shake, try as I do, and believe me I do.  When I read this, it resonated with how I've felt for so long.  I'm angry that I have depression.  I'm angry that I feel this way, that I can't shake it, that I can't be "normal."  It's so frustrating to be so tired all of the time.  I know that people, especially my sweet husband, have good intentions and try to help.  But...I don't know.  How can you really help someone when you can't really understand what they're going through?  It's not that I don't want to "get better" or whatever.  I try.  I really do.  I just don't know...I don't know what to do at this point.  Not give up, obviously.  That would be dumb.  But, I just don't know.  I just feel how Kay feels.

I'm not going to apologize that this isn't a happy post.  I am going to apologize for not being super articulate.  And I have no real purpose in posting this other than I need to post it.  Take it however you want.  You don't need to walk on egg shells around me or treat me any differently because I've "come out of the depressed closet" or anything.  I was dealing with it before you knew and I'll be dealing with it the same now.  Just know that I am trying, I guess?  I don't know...